Day zero

It has been a strange and eventful twenty four hours.  Yes, the oxygen did finally arrive, at 10:30 last night. I could have kissed her.  I can't say that it helped me sleep, but it helped me breathe, at that is even more important.

Karissa was up extra early because she was so excited about the musical. I'm not sure I've seen her this excited before, not even for Christmas. She loves music, singing, dancing, and being on stage.  She was out the door and Kelly was off to work.  I dragged myself out of bed, let the chickens out and had breakfast.

Mia was first up for me today. She erected a special pile of blankets, foam, and pillows to give my head enough elevation that I was able to lie on my back for the whole hour. She dug into my neck for the last time for awhile, as she doesn't like to work in there while it is hot.

After that, I headed over to Heather for a consult. She mapped out a nutrition plan for me and got various herbal tincures together for me. Some are daily, some are for just before chemo, some start and stop around chemo, some are for my skin. She put a lot of work into this and I am very grateful. She gave me a couple of gifts, one to take with me and one while I was there. It was a wonderful morning with these ladies.

I came home and made some lunch, but decided it was too close to my appointment to eat it. A full somach + flat on my back = reflux in a big way. If they are already worried about me choking, having reflux will not improve that.

I don't know what to say about the dry run. Whenever someone has ever said something about a panic attack to me, I've always said I don't know if I've had one or not. People have always said to me, if you'd had one, you'd know. They were right.

I got through the first couple of minutes and then had them sit me up so I could spit. When they put me back under the mask, I don't know what happened. It felt tighter. Despite the oxygen I started to feel like I wasn't breathing. I felt like I could have ripped it off with my bare hands.  I made it to the end, but I was slamming the handle on the table the minute I was done.  They all ran out, suction and kleenex in had. Dr. F had his arm around me to sit me up. I ripped the tissue box and a pen out of someone's hand and wrote on the bottom of the box, "PANIC ATTACK. I'VE NEVER HAD ONE BEFORE."  This was received as good news.  Apparently, there isn't much to prevent me from choking on my own saliva, but there are drugs for panic attacks.  We will be trying some of them tomorrow.

I can't figure it out. I did thirty session of almost half an hour each and never, ever had a problem. The last few then had to sit me up a couple of times to spit, but that is when your saliva is the consistency of rubber cement and it is expected. Even then, that was longer than five minutes.

The mask felt tighter, so I don't know I am more swollen today, or what. I was a teenager in the 80s. We put our pants on with pliers. I should be accustomed to tight and oxygen deprivation, for that matter... Yes I know that was a long time ago. Don't remind me.

The currently only have me slated for 25 sessions.  25 five minute sessions. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.  Better living through chemistry. I can do this.

I ate my lunch in the parking lot of the cancer center. When I got ready to leave, guess what? I couldn't find my keys. Yes, Lesley, there is a hook for them in my purse, but I clearly didn't put them on the hook. I emptied my purse, twice. I crawled all over the truck. Kelly was just getting ready to come back when I found them, upon the third emptying of my purse.  Good times.

Stop and pick up a case of cat food at the vet. Get Karissa at the Y. Come home tell her she can go play while I get cozy with my friend the oxygen for awhile.  Ahhhh...

Kelly comes home and feeds her. Dog locked up and back into the car for THE AMAZING THIRD GRADE MUSICAL. It was wonderful.  This kids did a great job and I could not be prouder of them. It is hard to be away from them this year after spending so much time with them since kindergarten.  Karissa did a great job on her lines AND she was one of the lead singers fronting the tadpoles.  Yes, I was a bit weepy. I am so thankful that they still do things like the third grade musical.

After some cookies and few minutes running around the playground, we headed home. Kelly and I had dinner. Chickens locked up. Dog fed.  A bit of TV and Karissa bundled off to bed.  A few minutes on teh computer. What? It is almost 10, again?  How does this happen every night?

Tomorrow is day 1. Kelly will be driving me as I will be taking a big, fat... well it's liquid, so not really big, or fat, but a sedative and going to my happy place. It is only for five minutes. Sheesh!

I have physical therapy, I still need to make a library run and DMV.  Maybe going glassy-eyed to DMV might not be a great idea. The choir is singing at TBI tomorrow night. Another long day.  But another day on the right side of the grass, as they say.

I forgot to mention the beautiful flowers I received from Kelly's mom and his bro and wife in Las Vegas and the other beautiful flowers I received from his other brother's wife's parents.  There were the most beautiful strawberries and a sweet card on the porch from Jen and another card from Peggy.  Thank you all for your gifts, cards and encouragement. Please send a positive thought into the universe tomorrow morning at 8 am that I keep myself together for five minutes.  Thank you for your continued support.  I love you all!

Until tomorrow...