Day One

Early in the morning comes early in the morning. Even earlier if you aren't sleeping. Thursday night was a long night, trying not to dwell on the panic attack and really looking for a positive focus. I picked out some choice words for the universe, at Heather's suggestion. I took the Ativan at Dr. F's suggestion.

The good news is that I made it through my five minutes. All the people there are so sweet and patient, but I always feel like a pain in the rear. I have a nose hole with oxygen tubes. The cut eye holes. They stretched part of my mask that just feels so tight on my chest. Five minutes takes forever with me.

We came home and I collapsed, sound asleep on the couch. I think I should have taken the Ativan earlier. I managed to drag myself up and Kelly drove me to PT, but I looked so horrible when I got there that Karen took one look at me and sent me home.  At home, I promptly crawled back onto the couch and passed out again.

That was some of the best sleep I've had, but I am so swollen and so nauseous.  Already. Not a good sign after only one treatment. Of course, I was already swollen, but now more so. I only go two meals in yesterday and had a hard time keeping them down. The Reglan helps, but you put that with Ativan and I'll be constantly asleep.

I could not drag myself up to go hear the choir sing at TBI. Karina was home to go with Kelly, which made it nicer for Karissa.  I was pretty much just a mess.

I tried to go to bed in bed, but there just seemed no way to get comfortable. I finally gave up and we moved oxygen and suction out to the living room. I don't know what it is about the couch, but I works for me.  I miss sleeping with Kelly. It also worries me, because what if I need him.  No problem. Just call him on his cell phone.

He is exhausted from doing everything and never getting any good sleep. I am neither a baby, nor gaming control. Yes, I can call him on his cell phone. That doesn't mean he'll wake up.  So much of this is of my own creation, too. I think a lot of the can't breathe is more anxiety that actuality. Yes, the tumors are interfering with my airway, but if it was serious we would be a trach right now.  It is hard not to let your imagination run away with you.

I guess what worries me so much is that I've only had one day of radiation and not started chemo and I already feel pretty horrible. This doesn't bode well.  The doctors always say there are meds, but meds don't often work on me the way the should.  The only pain med that was great they took off the market. The acupuncture is amazing. It stops the nausea and the pain, but unfortunately  it seems to come back as soon as the needles come out.  If nothing else, that break is priceless.

Karissa had ballet and I had acupuncture this morning. Kelly is driving as turning my head is pretty iffy. Now Karissa is trying to wrangle a play date and we have Anne bringing dinner over. There is mess everywhere to clean up. There are peas to be planted. There are seed potatoes to be purchased. I think I need a nap.

Good thing the raspberries and blue berries come back on their own, or this could be a slim year.

Until tomorrow...