Normally...

Fall has always, always, always been my very favorite time of year. Back to school, falling leaves, Halloween. Love it all.

This time of year, I would normally be busy, busy, busy. We would be canning peaches, pears, applesauce, salsas, sauces, and jams late almost every evening. We would re-stack the wood pile and debate if we need to go get another load (I always think yes, Kelly always thinks no...) I would be planting garlic, harvesting horseradish, tomatillos and tomatoes madly. Watching the grapes carefully for juice and jam. Wine, liquors, vinegars... so many projects swirling.

At school there would be subbing, and PTO, and gearing up for Jog-a-thon and field trips and Open House. The eternal question, "How do we get more people to volunteer?" The air crackles with the new clothes, new notebooks, and the excitement of all the learning to come.

Stand for Children would be gearing up for something. This year, getting people out to vote for the Local Option Levy so that our district will continue to have that $8 million each year. Phone banking, walking door to door, speaking at PTO meetings and community groups.

Halloween costumes would be starting to be pondered.  I would eagerly be awaiting the leaf drop to open online and trying to convince Kelly that TWO loads is of course better. Fourteen yards of leaves is not too much. I will use it. The neighbors won't mind....I would be finishing up squirreling away Christmas/Hanukkah gifts. Figuring out who I had missed. What I could make for him or her. How to safely ship it.

Oh, and speaking of Hanukkah... ordering the last of the stuff for the gift shop for this holiday. Poking through boxes trying to figure our how many more dreidels, menorahs, rolls of wrapping paper, and other kitchsy things we'll need on hand. Rounding up volunteers for the big sale days. Being excited, but always nervous about making the wrong choice and not meeting sales expectations.

But, as we all know, this year is not normal. Or, maybe it is. It is the new normal. I don't have the stamina for the preserving, the yard work, the wood stacking or much else. I try to do a bit each day. Dumping jars of last year's unused goods (always sad.), picking a few tomatoes and the dwindling raspberries. Maybe managing to help fold a bit of laundry, or crocheting one more square.

As nice as it is to curl up with mindless tv, escape into Facebook, or visit with friends, I have to move. Not run a marathon, but stretch, walk around, do the exercises from OT and PT.

I have to try to organize my care. Eating, meds, exercises, stretches, appointments, herbs, and so many little things. Those little things that I didn't worry about when I was drying herbs and cidering apples. But this is my new normal, at least at this point in my life.

Yesterday was a swirl. Wonderful Lesley and Beth came to visit. I draw energy from people in general, but these two particular strong, brilliant women, love me in a fierce way. Their love and protectiveness over me is palpable.

Becky has generously offered to be the stunt double massage therapist while Magical Mia is on her amazing journey. My body is quite a bit modified, so she came over to kind of get the "lay of the land" yesterday. I am continuing to be so fortunate to be surrounded by such skilled people.

My sister has been madly cleaning and scrubbing. She and the girls have had a good time together, particularly her and Karina. I am so thankful that she was able to juggle her job, her children, her responsibilities with my parents, her horse, and so many other facets of her life in order to be here washing my sheets. And loving me.

Kelly is also juggling. While this is all emotionally draining and a huge part of my care falls to him, work does not magically stop. He still has tremendous responsibilities there, which he is trying to balance it all at the kitchen table along with trach care, med mixing, schedules, meals, homework, bills, tuition and so much more. I have no idea how he continues to do it all. He does because he must. His love for me leaves him no other option.

When I say that people have come out of the woodwork, I am not kidding. Offers to help with everything from meals to  homework to yard work to transportation to everything under the sun. I have finally, finally, finally learned to say okay, yes, thank you that helps a lot... That was hard for me. But I am told again and again, you would do it for me. Or you did X for me. Or you deserve it.

My friend Joell designed a shirt, Team Kiara, for me. Well not just for me. They are on my Facebook page if you are so inclined to look at them. I am again in awe of the efforts.

The incomparable Eileen continues to organize so much on our behalf, from the mundane mowing to the when can we come over and inundate you with our love for you. This while she juggles her own life, which is no piece of cake. Oh, and running for the school board.

And speaking of running for the school board, Dawn is also rearranging her life to come help out even though she too is running for the school board (different district).

Also today I received flowers from a dear friend. A friend since early elementary school. The sunflowers are lovely, but her note took my breath away. Too be loved is a gift, but to be known so well and still loved, is priceless.

Part of my lower lip and jaw are numb, which I am trying not to let freak me out. Of course, my fingers are numb too, which tells me that this is my neck and not some dire emergency. Still, it lends to the general unpleasant feeling. I am trying to spare my liver a little bit, which means cutting out the Tylenol for awhile. Ibuprofen helps, but has it's own complications, such as blood thinning. The steroids are effectively bringing the swelling down, but they also cause bleeding, which isn't all that nice.

Ice and heat. Move around. Re-direct. Focus on something else. Don't start whining. It solves nothing.

Tomorrow we meet with the oncologist at 3:45. He has blocked a lot of time for us, which makes me a bit nervous. Is it because he is going to try to talk me into/out of something? Is this regimen so scary that it requires more time? I already got a look at the side-effects list. No fun walk in the park. Is he just being thorough? I know I have come to each new treatment a little weaker than before. With new challenges and complications to work around. But I cannot and will not back down now.

If you have your health, be thankful for it. If you have people who love you, love them back. If you can make it just a little better for someone else, even a pat on the back or a smile, then do it.

Until tomorrow,

Love,
Kiara