Since Yesterday...

In the roughly 36 hours since I posted my less than cheery news, so many amazing things have happened. Despite the fact that people have been helping and supporting my family for over a year now, no one said, "Well, enough of her shit. We're moving on." No. Quite the opposite. People came out of the woodwork. People rearranged their lives. People reached out to me whom I haven't spoken to in years. You know when a fraternity sister who happens to be an amazing doctor can get you a direct phone line into not only MD Anderson Cancer Center, but also the World Cancer Institute in Brussels, you are onto something.

In have come great ideas, suggestions, prayers, healers, helpers, and guides. People have confessed kindnesses I have done for them that I have no recollection. They have told me how somehow my words or deeds changed their life. Actions that I offered at the time purely out of my natural instinct.

Know that if you are my friend, it isn't an accident. It is selfishness. In you, I saw something(s) better than in myself. In having you as my friend, it was like having that power/skill/talent/knowledge, etc. myself. Because you were giving me this gift, I owed you gifts in return. Food, kindness, acknowledgement, respect, love, help... something.

But more than this, I need to protect you. It is my warriors heart. What I treasure and value I protect fiercely. And you, my people, are my precious treasure to guard.

I was always a warrior. Western High School home of the Warriors. I was a warrior in D & D, never a clever cleric or wizard. Always the warrior (although, in interest of full disclosure, my first D & D game lasted seven seconds as I charged into a cave and my entire party was slaughtered by a wizard. Thanks for teaching me caution, DM Stanley Browne.)

Yesterday evening, I had a powerful need of my friend Heather. She could not come to me, but she was able to propose a plan. A dreamwalk. She could come with me into my dream and help me ask a question and hope for an answer.

This was important for me for many reasons. One is that unknowing for me is worse than knowing something terrible. I found I could not simultaneously plan for death and life.

I won't go into too many details, but together we were able get some answers. All omens point towards victory. Know that Oh Captain, My Captain and pestemon both played a role, as well as a press conference. But it gave me courage and direction.

So I am going all in on life. While I can see Kelly and Karissa at the dinner table together as if through a 2 way mirror, or Karina and Karissa cuddled up together reading Harry Potter, I know that they would be okay. I know that others would pour in to fill the gaps, patch and caulk the holes and try to make them whole. They would always miss me, but that missing me would become less and less.

But I am selfish. I don't want someone else to button/zip up Karina's wedding dress. I don't want someone else (other than Karissa herself) to have to learn how to make the perfect ballet bun. I don't want my husband to sleep alone. I want to be here.

Cancer has taken my ability to eat through my mouth. It has taken my voice. It has altered my body immeasurably. It has taken some joys from my life that I cannot get back. It is not taking my life.

I'm going all in. When you think your thoughts and pray your prayers for me, don't add the caveat of let her go gentle into that good night. All the energy goes to life. To cure. To get the cancer out of my body. Let something else get me-- the heart ailment that was supposed to get me, a random skeet shooting accident, or a bit of funny whelk...

My sister in law gave me a good mantra, but Heather gave me one that is perhaps more suitable to me. Pardon my language, but Fuck that Fucking Fucker.  Since I can't talk, I don't even have to worry about it slipping out.

Thank you to all my dear friends who have doubled down, rearranged their lives, and are in this fight with me. Thank you to Anne for coming to visit and doing leg work and picking tomatoes. She sadly could only be talked into taking one basket and was not up for doorbell ditch. Thank you to my sister who is here for a week to help me get this started. Thank you to Heather for not only showing me a path to find answers, but walking it with me. Thank you to all of you who share your gifts with me.