Drama and Blessings

Here's the heads up-- Eileen, this means you-- some of this first part is going to be gory. You might want to skip down a ways.

Monday evening I coughed out my trach. No big deal. Kelly can put it back it. After some extensive wound clean up, he did put it back in. But we still had to do some suction. And my neck is burned to a crisp. And it all kind of hurts. After some debate, we decided to try another night of no trach collar. This ultimately proved to be a mistake.

Some time in the wee hours of the morning, I had a nasty coughing spell. Out came the trach tube. I poke poor Kelly in the back and up he gets. He washes the trach and canula. He puts a pad and collar on it. He greases it up (yes, the trach is the reason we have the industrial size K-Y jelly.  Get your mind out of the gutter.) I'm set. He's set. He goes to put it in and it bumps the edge of the trach wound. He pulls back and the blood just starts pouring. His first instinct is to tell me to lean back, but when I lean back, all that blood starts pouring down my windpipe instead. Now I'm sucking in blood and still gushing. I sit back up and lean forward. He is desperately trying to stanch the bleeding. Gauze after gauze after gauze and the blood just keeps coming.

In all of the drama we have had-- all the surgeries, all the crises big and small-- I've never seen Kelly rattled. Maybe he was and just hid it well, but never have I seen a hint of worry or panic, even at times when I thought maybe he should be panicking. But this time I saw the fear on his face. The bleeding isn't slowing. It is all over the sheets, all over my pajamas, and the garbage can is rapidly filling with bloody gauze. I ask, do we need to call 911? His response: I don't know.

I cannot tell you how long the bleeding went on, or how much blood there actually was. Any blood is too much blood for me, so I'm not really objective. But now that it is stopped, that trach still has to go in. My brain is screaming no, no, NO. I am afraid. Afraid of bleeding. Afraid of pain.

I have no idea from what reserve Kelly dug down and talked me off the ledge. I know he just wanted that tube back in so he could go back to bed, but he waited and consoled and cajoled. Finally I could let him put it back in. It took everything in me to put my head back and hold my breath.

He is exhausted and asleep in seven seconds. I am still mentally reeling. And my shirt and the sheet is bloody, but I need to sleep. Yeah, right.

Tuesday was a long, exhausting day. It isn't that I did anything huge, but lack of sleep and loss of blood took a toll. I was able to direct Reggie to the temple to pick up Karissa from camp. Karissa and her unerring sense of direction was able to guide her home, with a quick stop off at the store. Walking into TBI and a little visiting, and a short pass through the grocery store, and I am whipped.

I did make it through dinner, but by then I am completely worn out. I just want to go to sleep, but my neck is cranking and complaining.  Kelly helped me to the couch and I did some juggling of pillows and found a good position at last and fell asleep.

Nothing like getting up from a nap to go to bed...

Sleep helps a lot. However, we haven't changed the trach pad since the incident for fear of pulling the scab off. But at some point this wound has to be cleaned. Fear hovers in the background yet.

Today there were no commitments for me, so Reggie and I visited as she slogged through the never ending laundry and dishes. Karina got out of work early, so she did pick up duty for Karissa. Kelly actually had another nearly full day at work.

This afternoon Joy came to visit. It was nice to get caught up on her news and a dab of Stand news. She helped Karissa read through and define her ballet terms, as well as correcting my copying errors as well as Karissa's. It sounds as if Joy and Karina are at the same spot in wedding planning. Hmmmm....

For me, my neck is cranky. The muscles are so tight. When I move my head, it feels as if the muscles in my face are being dragged off. Not all that pleasant. Sometimes I think the muscle relaxers don't help that much, but then I feel what it feels like when they wear off. I'll keep on taking them.

I have complained a lot about my clutter around the house. However, there are other things around the house. It is hard to find a place in our house where the blessings that have been bestowed upon us are not evident. Cards, letters, and gifts are all about. Empty trays and pans from meal deliveries are clean and stacked up. The absence of laundry piles and dirty dishes are a testament to Reggie, Malia, Nancy and Mary keeping things going. The clean bathrooms and floors, and general cleanliness, is thanks to Mitch and Carmen's generously providing housekeeping service. The yard is not a jungle thanks to so many friends. Even looking for something that has been put away in the "wrong" place is a reminder of kindness. So many have given up time and energy to help us out.

It seems like this outpouring of love should guarantee the success of my treatment. If this many people have invested time, love, prayer, energy, money, and effort; it should matter. I know that isn't how it works, but it should be.

Here's to hoping that trach cleaning is blood-free and that healing continues.

Until tomorrow...

Love,
Kiara