Opportunity Cost Part II

It is Saturday again. Usually the roughest day of the week as treatment side effects accumulate throughout the week. True to form, my right eye is swollen shut, my face is huge, I'm covered in drool and I feel less than spectacular. Today's focus will be on feeling well enough and looking well enough to go to the ballet recital tonight. I'm considering a balaclava...
Nancy left last night. The week flew by. It was wonderful having her here, although there was of course guilt. She took time away from her own family, which includes small children, to come and wash clothes and dishes and try to keep me bucked up. Her husband did double duty to make this possible. And she paid her own freight. Somehow so not right, but so appreciated. She texted me last night that the woman seated next to her on the plane was a 35 year survivor of oral cancer. She felt this was a good omen. I'd be thrilled with 35 years!!!

When I talked about opportunity cost before, I mentioned money. But time also has an opportunity cost. The time my friends are spending here taking care of me is time they are not spending with their own families. The time people are spending on schlepping Karissa around, doing our yard work, preparing our meals, etc. is time they are not doing something for themselves or their own families. We continued to be humbled by the sacrifices being made on our behalf. The generosity we have been shown makes me be brave. It is the only repayment I have.

Yesterday was a swollen day. Rick worried that the mask wouldn't go on, but he underestimates my determination and ability to tolerate having my face smooshed. Yesterday was actually much smoother than Thursday. There was a giant accident on the beltline which we managed to avoid, but River Road was completely backed up too. We had to go all the way through downtown and around to the cancer center, taking nearly an hour to make a trip that usually takes 15 minutes. We were far from the only ones late, as people who usually have radiation before me weren't there yet and we arrived at five. The harriedness doesn't help getting into the mask.

Fortunately, treatment is fast. Usually less than two full songs on the radio. The radio really helps as it gives me something to focus on. Although my last treatments were six years ago, I remember 30 minutes taking quite a long time. Of course my mask was never tight then. Quite the opposite. Losing 70 pounds they almost feared they would have to make me a new one as it was getting so loose. But that treatment wasn't as targeted as this one is. Rick and Renee make sure everything lines up to the millimeter so nothing outside the necessary fields gets zapped.

We are in crunch time for ballet and camp. Angie and Hannah took Karissa to dress rehearsal thank goodness last night as I had radiation and Karina had to take Nancy to the airport. Ballet Fantastique runs a tight ship, although they did pare down the email direction from 18 pages to 6. Today we have to get the last of the toiletries on the camp list and the big ballet performance is tonight. Camp packers come tomorrow, Monday is the big hair cut and then on her way on Tuesday.

This has been a difficult time for Karina. We have had to lean on her more than I would like. At 19, all my adult responsibilities were of my own choosing. I wish that we could give her that. Also this is an age when she should be breaking away from us, yet she feels the need to cling closer, with good reason. Of all the parts of cancer I loathe, the pain it has caused my friends and family I hate the most.  That and being the center of attention, of course.

Nine radiation treatments down. Two chemos down. Monday will be chemo #3, see Dr. B, see Dr. F and radiation #10.  The thickening of the mucus will begin around now. I remember it in my mouth well. Miserable. However, since I don't have to try to swallow it, or eat, that should help. I am more concerned about thickening lung goop. Fortunately Kelly has gotten trach pulling down to a science, so clogs are a little less frightening.

For my final complaint for today, I will bitch about my neck. All of those muscles are objecting to being sliced through, stitched up, radiated, having a trach shoved in the middle of them. Because I do not chew or speak, I don't use my facial muscles either. All these muscles have decided to go on full scale lock down. It is tight and uncomfortable and makes getting the swelling in my face to drain all the more difficult.  The right side of my neck was cranky for six years. Now both sides are getting in on the action. Hopefully if I am able to get the trach out at some point in the future, that will help both position and some of the tightness. But for now, my neck is a hot mess.

To  close on a positive, we are still getting strawberries. The blue berries are coming. The raspberries are starting. We have an avalanche of snow peas. There are more potatoes that I can believe. Half the garlic is harvested and is curing. We need to get the rest in and spread the last little bit of leaf pile in there and plant the corn. It has been a glorious spring and now it is summer. May it  be a beautiful one.

Love,
Kiara

PS- Still agonizing over what to tell the district about subbing. Reality says I won't be able to work, but it is so hard to give up the spot I waited so long to get. I only have a few days to decide. Sigh.