Rough night

I cannot say if it was because I did too much, slept too little, or just luck, but last night was a tough night. I guess this morning would be more accurate. After going to sleep after 11pm, I was having the strangest dream. Two guys from high school whom I didn't know really well were talking about me. Specifically, they were talking about my trach tube and if the canula needed to be pulled. This seemed like an odd conversation, but I soon came up to reality enough to realize that breathing was becoming more and more difficult. Kelly is always up at the slightest touch.

He sprang into action and did all the usual things; fish, canula, suction. Still, it didn't seem to be better. Now the panic is setting it. And I can't calm down. And I feel like I can't breathe although you can hear me breathing just fine. My nails aren't blue. There is no gurgle. But I still don't feel right. Kelly asked if I wanted to go to the ER. I know I cannot, at this point, get out of bed and walk to the car. Should he call an ambulance? I don't know. I don't want a stretcher being dragged down the hallway and totally freaking the girls out. When my dad was so sick in 2008, when my mom/sister called the ambulance, his pulse ox was 0. We Donohues are not very good about knowing these things.

Some tiny voice in my head said, "Shock." Kelly put my feet up, go me a heat up, bundled me up, and gave me some pepcid. Eventually I came down from the ceiling. Now I am more exhausted and afraid. Somehow around four I managed to go back to sleep. Kelly kept watch until 4:30, witnessed by Karina who was watching TV on her computer to drown out the fright.

I slept until 7:50 when Allie demanded to be let out. I was a bit nervous putting her outside as I obviously can't call her in. She did her thing, came back to the door, and amazingly patiently stood stock still while I wiped the mud off her paws instead of her usual antics. That was a relief. She is sweet. Shaggy and sweet.

I got the paper in and found a surprise treat of muffins and flowers from Angie on the porch. What a beautiful gift. I managed to read one page of the comics before falling back to sleep.

The house is full tilt when I wake up again. Karissa is going to Poppy's. Karina is hitting the snooze. Kelly has done/is doing dozens of things.

Heather and Angie are going to work out the Karissa transportation issue. I have names and contact info to pass along to Eileen. Kelly keeps plugging away at the housework and everything else as he can. Angie took Karissa for some AA time this afternoon and I took a nap. A three hour nap.

I've felt better and I've looked better than I do (at least I hope so!). I am nervous about tomorrow and what chemo will bring. I am getting great advice and encouragement. I am overwhelmed by the love and support. I so want to live and enjoy life with all of the wonderful family and friends I have. That is my wish. For it to be a quick and completely painless cure would be my fondest wish, but that ship has clearly sailed.  Always remember to be very specific with the universe.

I cannot promise I will blog tomorrow night. Kelly and his no nonsense style may be pressed into service again. We shall see. Maybe I'll be up dancing the Tarantella and eating (blenderized) grapes.

Love, hugs, thanks, admiration, and good will to you all.

Kiara