The Shitty News

Yesterday was a crazy unsettled day.  As each day passed without biopsy news, I became more convinced it was nothing.  If the biopsy was nothing, then I need to deal with whatever is making me feel like crap.  Is it the bronchitis?  Is it the medicine in the nebulizer for the bronchitis?  Is it something else?

As you know from yesterday's post, a lot of my issues matched up with Abuterol reactions.  Poor Kelly got caught in the volley of calls from the doctor offices. They disagree and could I go see the ENT and see what he thinks?  The ENT's office calling to schedule.  Kelly calling back and saying, no, don't squeeze us in.  If you are worried about the biopsy site, we will go to Portland and see Dr. A.  Round and round.

The prescription for physical therapy was faxed to two places.  Unfortunately neither of them was the place it was supposed to go, so I have two physical therapy places trying to schedule me for appointments.  Again it will fall to Kelly as I cannot make those phone calls.

I have held off on deciding about volunteering for various committees and school activities, as well as not buying plane tickets for spring break because I was waiting on biopsy results.  That is silly, right.

Apparently not.

Dr. A called fairly late last night.  No doctor calls after 6 pm with good news.  He discussed the Albuterol theories with Kelly. Then he dropped the bombshell.  Malignant.  Seriously?

WTF?!?

He seemed as surprised as any of us.  This is a tiny little spot on my right side in the back of my throat.  If you look in a mirror with your mouth open, the sides of your throat look kind of like (  ). This is on the right parentheses. It is tiny, but it hurts.

In best case scenario land, it is actually tiny, there is none anywhere else, and they can cut this out and/or do some pin point radiation on this spot.  Of course, this is what I am hoping and praying for.  I can face this.

I have to have PET and a CT.  Since the ones I had just four months ago showed nothing but the tongue, I am taking that as a good sign.  Then we go from there.

Now the freaking me out parts.

First, I assumed since they took my whole tongue that I was done with this. Both times I had it it was in my tongue. No tongue, no cancer.  Spread didn't occur to me.

Second, I've had this rattly chest thing going on, along with the rattly sinuses, along with the congestion.  Yes, there is a nasty cold going around and it is bronchitis season. But what if that isn't what it is?

Third, each new cancer makes it less likely the doctors will be willing to do the heart surgery when the time comes.

Those are my top three freak outs.

Of course, if I "knew" that this would happen, I could have pushed for the "buying time" option of chemo and kept my tongue. I didn't want to buy time. I wanted to live.  And I still do.  This just seems overwhelming and spectacularly unfair.  So soon?  I haven't even figured out how to work with what I have and now another chunk will go?

I know this will not make sense to many of you, but I feel guilty.  I am tired of this being all about me. I am tired of being responsible for drama, upheaval, and worry among the people I care about.  I hate that most of all.

My mother told me several times about a woman having chemo while she was having chemo (breast cancer almost 15 years ago.) This woman was having chemo dumped directly into her brain.  However, between treatments, she traveled all over the world and did all of these amazing things.  I know the message was supposed to be that there are lots of options and don't give up.  But I don't want to go to Europe...

This may all be putting the cart before the horse and the best case scenario may well be in play.  It is just really hard to feel like that right now.

I will not be volunteering for the school funding task force. I will not be signing on to help with sets for the third grade musical. I will be looking for someone, or several someones, interested in taking over the Alumni Band with as much or little help from me as they would like.  Spring break is still up in the air.

I take deep comfort from the constant outpouring of love and support I have gotten from so many.  The prayers, the hugs, the offers of help, the advice, and the steadying hand. I am so thankful for all of the wonderful people who love and care about me.  I could not face this without you.  Again.

Scans getting scheduled and prayers being said.  All the positive energy into the universe is appreciated.

Until tomorrow...