Wrong way telescope

There isn't much news to share from here.  The phone lines and fax lines were burned up between here and Portland getting everything to order scans. I will have a CT and PET on Monday morning.  Reviewing the eating restrictions for the PET, I don't know what people who use formula do, starve? I am trying very hard not to panic until there is a reason to panic.

I wish, wish, wish the cold/bronchitis/sinus whatever it is thing would go away.  I felt so crappy today that Kelly had to come home from work.  Sometimes my throat is so tight I feel like I am being strangled.  Other times I have this weird rattle in my sinuses, like they are plugged up except there isn't anything in them at all. The only time my chest isn't wheezy is when I am sitting in the steamy bathroom like a croupy baby.  I ran a humidifier all night next to the bed and used the nebulizer this morning in spite of the side effects.  Sometimes a girl just has to breathe.

I don't, apparently, have to sleep, though.  I cannot find a position, a place, a time, where I can sleep.  Either I can't breathe, or there is terrible reflux, or some body part finds a reason to complain. My day has been filled with cat naps where I literally drop off while doing something.  I was fairly sound asleep this morning when the phone rang.  I don't usually get right up and check the messages, but I am glad I did.  It was North Eugene High School calling to ask if I could sub today.  Except they weren't just asking.  They had already put me in the system for 9:15 am and it was currently 8:45 am.  I'm not sure that the inability to speak would make me any worse of a pre-calculus teacher.  Perhaps I should have gotten dressed and went.  Why, when I wanted more days last year, there was nothing?  This year I am getting at least two calls a week from people desperate for a sub.  Yes, I know, Murphy's Law and all that.

I do have a volunteer to take over the Alumni Band, and for that I am most thankful. It is hard to hand off something that has been yours for so many years, especially since so much of the information lives inside my head. However, I am excited to see it live and grow with someone else.  It seems unlikely I would have the time/energy to keep it afloat this year, let alone nurture it.  I still hope for it to break 100 some day.

It has been a long time since I sick, like lay on the couch and do nothing sick. I just wish that this wasn't all twisted up with the cancer diagnosis.  I will spend the next many days wondering if it is truly just a garden-variety sick, or if it is something worse.  Logic would say it is nothing worse, but since when has any of this had to do with logic.

As I've parceled out some parts of my life, and turned down other opportunities, it is giving me a different perspective. It is like I was looking out at my future through a telescope and someone took it out of my hands, turned it around and handed it back to me.  Everything looks so limited and diminished.  That probably sounds more pathetic than I intended.  But it is the truth. This is not the 45 I pictured in my head.

My physical therapist sent me some words that were so moving, so encouraging, that I copied them down and put one copy in my truck and one under my pillow.  I've been repeating them over and over.  If nothing else, they make me feel better.

The battle of nine continues, so I should go join the reinforcements.  Hopefully there will be breathing and sleeping tonight. Until tomorrow...