Crossroads

As you can imagine, getting the news about yet another malignancy was not the highlight of my day. If I've learned nothing else, doctors never call after six to tell you good news.  I feel like I was waiting for the bar to release so I could get off the roller coaster, and instead it started up again and I'm in the front seat.

In a way, I should be calm.  At this point, there is no reason to believe this is extensive.  It all likelihood, it could be a quick fix.  It has left me soul searching, though.

If I had known it would be back so fast, would I have opted for this radical surgery?  Instead maybe tried knocking it back with some chemo first?  I don't want to get on the holding it at bay with chemo wagon train, but if that is where I end up anyway, I would have kept my tongue.

But there are no do-overs.

I have unresolved issues in my life, as does most everyone.  Is it these issues that keep flaring the cancer? Or is this just how it is?

How much rearranging should I do?  I'm handing off Alumni Band, which is emotionally charged, but it would be anyway. There are too many nevers bound up in Alumni Band.  Too many could have, should have, would haves.

I feel like I am living the movie Defending your Life.  The premise is that only by living your best life can you move on to what comes next.  Otherwise you have to come back and try it again.  If only you got to bring notes with you. Cliff's Notes of stuff not to screw up would be nice.

Karina is wearing the brave face, but this has rocked her world, again.  It really isn't fair how much drama I've put that girl through.

Karissa is devastated that we might not travel over spring break. Cancer has been such a part of her childhood that the word has no shock value for her.

Kelly is trying to be the rock, but he is fragile. He didn't even have a chance to catch his breath between diagnoses.

Monday is the day.  I have the PET and CT, both here fortunately.  I have to remember to bring a syringe because I have to "drink" 32 oz of water before the PET.  That is a lot of syringe work.  I'm sure my kidneys will love processing both radioactive sugar and then iodine.  There will need to be a lot more water pushed through.

The amazing support system that has gotten me through so much has sprung into action. Heather brought by beautiful yellow daffodils. Joy brought notes and a book to make me laugh. So many emails and facebook posts of encouragement, offers to help.  It is amazing and touching.  As wonderful as they are, it is hard to overcome the Groundhog's Day feeling of all of this.

As always, I need a little perspective. One dear friend's sister is facing liver cancer. She has had quite a dramatic life of her own to this point, and has four children she is solely responsible for.  Another dear friend who has been on the chemo maintenance program is not seeing as good a results and is having a hard time. Friends who welcomed us to Eugene and were so kind just lost their sweet, beautiful talented niece at only 23 to a hideous and unexpected disease.

On the survivors page, people talk about their "cancerversary." One gentleman is celebrating his 36th. A woman her 21st.  Others over a decade.  This truly could just be the last little bump in the road.  No Cliff's Notes and no crystal ball to help me out.

I need to focus what little energy I have on  kicking out this bronchitis and regaining some strength.  I need to get back to planning meals instead of scavenging something each night. I really should eat more than twice a day.  As Heather the herbalist says, trying to stay well is a hell of a lot of work. For some of us more than others.

Words of wisdom?

Until tomorrow...