Reflections of my new self

I've had my new self for approaching two months now.  Still swollen.  Still tired.  Still not getting nearly enough sleep.  No solutions to those things.

Did you know you can have ghost pain in an appendage that has been removed?  I guess that explains why the tip of my flongue feels like I burned it on too hot soup or something.

Last night I managed to shoot myself in the face with a syringe full of food.   Some went in my eye and some in my mouth.  It was at that moment I realized it was worse that food went in my mouth.  Ah, the irony.

Every piece of clothing I have worn has food on it somewhere, either from preparation or injection.  What do people think when they see the smear of what appears to be baby food?  I'm too old for a toddler (as evidenced by the cashier at Fred Meyer asking me if I qualified for the senior discount-- no, but now I feel old enough, thank you very much.)  Maybe I work at a daycare?  I'm just a slob?

I've never see a lingerie model with a feeding tube, although I've seen a few who looked like they could use one.

I'm getting the hang of eating, I think.  Washing the blender after every meal is kind of a pain, but I don't use a plate or any silverware, so I guess that is fair.

My chin sealed up and started refilling with whatever, which freaked me out.  It opened up again and is draining, but looks gross, which freaks me out.  Apparently there is no pleasing me.

I am a person who is uncomfortable with long silences.  My mind is always searching around for the next topic, the next question to pose, sifting through what I know about my companion to strike up conversation. Now it is often too much work.  If the setting isn't just right, he/she won't understand me anyway.  I either need to grow accustomed to the quiet or find more talkative friends.

How is it possible that something is constantly backing up into my mouth and what is it???  Stomach acid is distinctive, but often times this just seems like water.  Whatever it is, how can I make it go back down if I can't swallow?

You have no idea how sick I am of drooling.  If there is a spot on my clothes without food on it, I promise there will be drool on it, usually right down the front.

All of my friends have been so wonderful through all of this drama.  However, they all knew me before-- they have a voice in their head that sounds like me.  How do I make new friends sounding like this?

When I was a teenager, I would have given just about anything (except effort) to wear a size 6 jeans and have long, beautiful fingernails.  Sometimes wishes are granted at strange times and in strange ways.

Just when I was winding myself up for a good pity party, I looked at the photo gallery for Giving Tuesday on the Oral Cancer site.  Pictures of people missing a jaw bone.  People holding up pictures of the loved one who died.  The young mother with two little boys who lost her husband.  They young woman who looks remarkably like Karina who lost her mother.  I am here.  I am largely intact.  There are workarounds for my issues.  After awhile, you become accustomed to my new style of speaking.  I have much more to be thankful for than sorry for today.

The Dynavox is ordered and as soon as the insurance approves it, they will deliver it to me.  While not a solution for all situations, it will be helpful in many.

I need to start getting my stamina back.  It isn't good for my heart to be too sedentary and I don't want to trade one problem for another (no matter how badly I'd like to visit Anji in MN).  Also, spring will be here before you know it and there is gardening to do!

So tell me, what would your coping mechanism be???

PS-- Thank you Eileen and hubby for stealth planting.  You are amazing!!!