On our own

Barbara leaves tomorrow, the last one in our rotation of helpful in home/hospital visitors.  These wonderful friends and family have paid their own freight to come and wash our clothes, mop our floors, entertain our children and answer the perennial question, "Does my neck look more swollen to you?"  We have tried to at least entertain them with the Holiday Market/Saturday Market, or games, or at least not asking them to clean cat litter (Mary did it anyway, bless her).  Mary, Nancy, Rayne, Tara, Mary/Sarah, Natalie and Barbara, thank you from the bottom or our hearts.  If any of you ever needs a reference...

I slept last night, so that always makes everything better.  Still, there is always some new surprise or challenge.  I'm not sure if it is harder seeing people I already know for the first time or people I don't know. I know strangers are making all sorts of decisions about me based on how I sound, but the careful struggles of friends is almost painful at times.  They aren't sure what to expect, and then, when they hear it, they are even more unsure.  Barbara is proof that you do develop an ear for my speech though.  After a week, she gets much of it and is confident enough to say, "I didn't get that."  Thank you for not pretending you did.

For the last night of Hanukkah as well as Barbara's last night here, I felt a Sweet Life trip was in order.  It is hard looking at all the beautiful desserts and knowing you will not be eating them.  Cake is something that is just not going to be the same blended up and I really don't need the sugar.  I've tried adding cocoa powder to my kefir and that is enough caffeine to keep me up, so what's the point.  If I could get the hang of swallowing though, I could at least have a cup of tea or some milk while others partake.

We also made a run to the Herbalist today.  She added something to hopefully beat back the never ending reflux, topped off my mixture that will get some lymph drainage going, refilled the wild lettuce and sold me a lymph brush.  I have got to get this swelling down.  I don't feel like I can move forward on other things (like learning to swallow) until I get this under control.  Thank you, Heather.

I made it through Hanukkah and got everyone's gifts sent, such as they were.  I still owe Karina two, but I'm sure it will balance out.  Now onto Christmas.  Usually I have a good stash of things, but sadly not this year. I have enough jam and salsa for all the grown up gifts, but I'm guessing my children do no want those, nor do my niece and nephew.  There are a slew of December birthdays, as well.

I am hoping to be ready to face the world and resume some of my regular tasks starting in January.  I'm assuming with the help of text to talk I will be useful at a Stand meeting and the PTO meetings.  I can look at the gift shop inventory and see what we need to get through the rest of the fiscal year.  Thank goodness most places have online ordering.  Perhaps I can cobble together a band newsletter, although since I wasn't at homecoming this year, I don't have much to say.  Maybe start sorting the piles/drawers/shelves/cupboards/boxes filled with stuff too good to get rid of, and get rid of some of it, too.

Sometimes I get frustrated when people don't understand me.  Sometimes I imagine that when I open my mouth, my old voice will come out.  Sometimes I wonder if the swelling is ever going to go down.  Then I remind myself it hasn't even been two months yet.  They did more than a little work on me and it is going to take time to heal.  My new life will not be exactly like the old one.  I guess that is a good enough excuse to do things that make me happy more often.  I need to be reminded that I am still me and that many people love and care about me.  That is the best medicine.