Wobbly Emotions

First things first.  I know everyone wants to know how the doctor went today.  Fine.  Anything else?

Okay, okay.  He said the feeding tube doesn't look that bad, actually they often look much worse.  He said if I was concerned if it was food leaking out I could put some blue food coloring in my food.  Then if what leaked out was blue, I would know.  As Dr. Uncle Mitch would say, there is no blue food (blueberries are purple when you eat them), I think I'll pass on the blue food coloring.  I had a little smooshy spot in the incision under my chin.  He drained that and hopes it will now just scab up and heal.  Can I just say I am glad I don't have any feeling there.  Otherwise he was happy with how everything looks.

Next up the speech path.  She is much more ambitious that the stunt double standing in last week.  First we tried a whole spoon of water.  No.  After a couple more unsuccessful tries at that, she had me drink it out of a cup.  Still no.  I can hold my airway closed just fine, I just can't trigger the swallow.  I feel like it will be better when the swelling goes down more.  She isn't positive, but she did say, "this is the worst is will be."  There is something to be said for that as the inverse is it can only get better.  We also explained the term "flongue."  She was concerned because that is very hard for me to say (L is right out).  She said, "Your flap came from your back, you could call it a..."  Once she said it inside her head, she decided maybe not.  Put "B" and ongue together for yourself.

After some bantering back and forth, the speech path charged me with practicing swallowing and she and the doctor agreed that they didn't need to see me for a month.  Of course, I had thought we would go to the Zoo Lights after my next appointment.  Probably not January 7.  Sigh.

The traffic was  a little rugged getting to Portland and we saw the south bound traffic was already bad as we arrived.  Roughly four hours to drive home.  Still better than the seven hour ice storm trip and we were all together.

Traveling with me is a bit of a pain right now.  Suction, check.  Blended up food, check.  Blended up snack, check.  Feeding syringes, check.  Flushing water, check.  Spit catchers, check.  Great, I have everything for me.  Did I remember anything for anyone else.  Well, no I did not.  Also, is it weirder to pull up my shirt in a restaurant and feed myself or to sit in the car in front of the quickie mart and do it?  I nursed Karina a lot of public places.  You would think this would be less intimidating as there is very little skin involved, and no breasts.  I'm not bothered, actually, but I don't want to freak other people out.

The first night of Hanukkah is giving me wobbly emotions.  I feel like all of our holiday celebrations are kind of thrown together, this year worst of all.  I'm not sure why everything always seems so hectic and last minute.  I worry that my children will have no "traditions" to take with them.  The Jewish holidays are particularly stressful for me because I am always worrying.  Am I doing it right?  Is it being overshadowed by the Christian holiday?  There are those who have said we should pick one or the other.  Karina was five when we got married, so it didn't seem like a good idea to say, "Here is your new step dad, and by the way, no more Christmas."  Nor did it seem fair to ask Kelly to give up his family's celebrations and beliefs.  Sigh.

Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, and Christmas-- the big three of food holidays right in a row.  This will be the first challenge, how I handle this emotionally.  Do I set a plate for myself?  Silverware or syringe?  Napkin or drop cloth?  Blended together or separately?  Questions I never thought I'd be asking myself.

In case you were wondering, Christmas is just another big emotional minefield.  But I'll save that for December.  Happy Thanksgivikkah!