Take the good with the bad

So today, unbeknownst to me, was the last day of radiation on the left side of my neck. Next week they will only be radiating the right side of my neck, throat and tongue. My left side should start to heal at last.

However, radiation never just says you're done. I had to have a "boost" today, which means extra high intensity radiation on the left so it will keep cooking for awhile. The left side of my neck is blistered and my tongue looks like something even I can't find words to describe. The lidocaine mouthwash is my life line.

I do have words to describe what used to be saliva. It should now be known as rubber cement as that is both the correct color and consistency. I used to think only drunks would/could choke on their own saliva. Boy, was I wrong. It is not a pleasant experience to wake up choking on your own secretions. That sounded worse than I intended. Sorry.

I assume that this week will be boost for the right side. I've got the aloe stocked in the fridge and water close at hand. Eating is still quite the chore, but at least I can drink water, which helps a lot. Last night Kelly said I could not go to bed until I finished an Ensure plus. They are the consistency of 30 weight motor oil. I suspect it is a good thing I can't taste it. I tried the prim and cautious sip, sip, sip. Finally, I had to go to that place where you drink a water glass of tequila on a dare and just pound it down. Who knew that would be a skill that would ever come in handy again in my life?

We have visitors coming tonight and visiting this weekend. More on Monday, and more next week. I know I won't be a very good hostess as I just don't have the stamina. Jen watched Karissa all day today so Karina could have a break from baby sitting during radiation and I could take a long uninterrupted nap this afternoon. She even sent dinner home for us. Several friends have dropped off food. It is so nice especially as I am not eating much and certainly not anything anyone else wants to eat. Kelly has to just take control of everything when he gets home from work. Not too fair for him.

One week, one week, one week. I know I won't feel better right away, but I'll settle for little by little. I had to sit up in the chemo waiting room while I waited for my lidocaine today. This was a whole room full of people much, much, MUCH braver than I am. In fact, I don't feel very brave at all compared to the people I meet there. People who face this disease head on and brave the worst of the medication side effects are the real heroes. Oh, and their loved ones, who pick up all the slack and watch them suffer through this, sometimes knowing they are only buying time, at best.

I am looking forward to eating. Everything else is secondary at this point. I actually had a dream about making myself a peanut butter sandwich. I was arguing with myself that I couldn't eat it anyway, but boy did I want it. Sad that this is what my subconscious settled on. I guess it is more accessible than fillet Mignon or crab, but still. Kelly said I could smear peanut butter on the roof of my mouth and just let it drip down. That sounded, umm, vile. Some of his helpful suggestions not so much.

Soft, salty, lukewarm food. This is a cooking repertoire I'll be glad to forget.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend planned.

Love,
Kiara