That was then, This is now

Fourteen years ago today, I was at an early morning breakfast at Blueberry Hill with friends and my sister and my nephew. We were together to celebrate that I would be getting married that evening and to help me prepare.

Following a nice breakfast, we headed outside to move on to our next stop of the day. However, when my sister attempted to use her key pad, it was unresponsive. Perhaps my nephew chewing on it, or the battery just gave up, but we could not start the truck as the alarm would not disengage. Not knowing what else to do this early in the morning we called AAA. Not long later, the single most cranky AAA man I have ever had showed up a blessedly short time later. He gave us a very distinctive "stupid wimmin folk" eye roll, did this or that and started the truck. We asked if the alarm would turn back on or if we were good to go. Another eye roll, a signature, and he was on his way.

Thinking we were good to go, imagine our consternation when, as the baby was just strapped in, the alarm light came back on and the truck shut off. No way in hell were we calling Mr. Personality to return to the scene. My friend Mary trekked over to the Radio Shack, waited for it to open, got a new battery for the key pad, trekked back, and we were on our way.

From there, we headed to the florist shop. We were to pick up the flowers for my hair for the hair dresser and the few other flowers needed for our small ceremony. We enter the shop and immediately they are confused by our presence because they don't have any orders due this morning. I pull out my receipt and they start digging and find, why yes, they do have an order due this morning. No they not only haven't filled it, they may not even have the flowers to fill it. Seriously, this cannot be happening. Mary agrees to wait for the flowers and bring them to us at the hair dressers. My sister and her poor son and I now head over to the hairdressers' shop at the mall.

The mall is largely unpopulated at this early morning hour, the stylists' shop being one for the few places open. There is one other customer besides me. The hair dresser sets to work on my updo while I fret the missing flowers' arrival. My nephew is not yet a year old and this is more waiting around and dragging around than any of us had anticipated. He begins to get fussy. The other customer complains loudly about this, and the owner of the shop not very kindly insists that my sister must take him outside so he doesn't disturb her customer. At this point, my hair is half done, so even though I really want to stomp out in irritation at these ladies lack of compassion, I do not. My poor sister walks the mall floor trying to console him while Mary races in a the precise right moment with the flowers for my hair.

Lest you think these are bad omens, this isn't half the insane stuff that happened before my first wedding. That would take a blog post all its own. However, knowing the history of the first one, as well as all that went on that morning, Mary sagely advised me that, should Kelly stomp on the glass and it not break, I should shake his hand and run away.

(By the way, when I found my wedding dress at Robinson's May, the sales clerk broke the ink tag on it getting it off and ruined the dress. They had another two sizes two big which had to be altered down to fit...)

However, the rest of the day went without a hitch. As we meet at Lee Canyon Youth Camp (one summer at band camp...) we felt it would be appropriate to marry at the nearby Mt. Charleston Hotel. We had a small ceremony attended by our families, including my 95 year old grandmother and my long suffering nephew. And, by a very disgruntled five year old Karina who did not particularly want her mother to marry anybody else at all. Our beautiful vows by Rabbi Mel were intermittently punctuated with me giving Karina the stink eye and then trying to revert discreetly back looking lovingly into my husband's eyes. Not as smooth an action as one might think...

Over the years, we have had some fantastic times. Kelly truly is the love of my life and neither of us could have weathered all the storms we have without the other. We lost both my grandmother and his dad in 2003. We faced infertility and built our family through adoption, once through the ugliness of terminating rights, and once through the amazing gift of a set of birth parents. We dealt with our increasing unhappiness in Las Vegas by quitting our jobs and moving to Eugene, a place we knew no one, purchasing a house we never saw in person, stuck with a house we couldn't sell and no job on the horizon. Yes, we are insane.

I "celebrated" our seventh wedding anniversary by losing my wedding ring. A ring that Kelly had designed and had made for me out of a family ring. That will make you feel good about yourself. However, that was also the year that a month after our anniversary we finally sold our Vegas house, the day before I had open heart surgery.

Now, at the fourteen year mark, having been to hell and back more than few times, our life is currently a cycle of doctors appoints, supporting therapies, medications, and pleas for more time together. We have been showered with unprecedented outpourings of love and support from friends and family. Time and again people have given of their time, money, and skills to help keep our family relatively stable for a year now. The contrast between our blessings and our challenges are stark. But each day we have together is an anniversary for us.

As for me, yesterday was a rather rugged day. I have not learned quite yet how to ration my energy. I can walk around the garden, or I can go on a small outing, but I cannot do both. I made that mistake yesterday and paid dearly. By expending too much energy, I was unable to cope as well with the discomforts that go with my current situation. When exhausted, it is too easy to let every little pain or ache run away with your mind. It is something dire? Should we call the doctor? Should I be doing something different? And pretty soon your mind has turned this into a Lifetime Movie and you begin to wonder, "Is this the end?" That does me no good, I can assure you.

Fortunately, I collapsed into bed and slept like a log. I had a trach call at 5 am, at which time my rationality had returned. Thinking clearly once more, I could recognize I did too much. I could remember that during chemo previously, I also had a spectacular amount of goop coming out. The difference was then I had a large gaping wound in my neck out which said goop could escape. Now, that wound having healed faster and nicer than any of the doctors predicted (go figure?) the primary escape route is out my Jackson 7 low profile stainless steel trach-- sounds cooler that way, doesn't it? It is a lot more work to keep the goop cleared out, but letting it sit around is a mistake as that is an invitation to pneumonia.

My clear mind raced with blog posts, rationality, and other plans. Not unlike a newborn, I was happy to be awake these early morning hours, but about the time I needed to get up, I wanted a morning nap. Nope.

My outings today were to acupuncture and briefly to the Backyard Farmer. Zachary was able to give me some nice pain relief as well as helping support my liver and my lymphatic system, both of which are working hard coping with the chemo and the edema. After that, I stayed largely on the couch today, with just sojourns to the table to eat/meds and the bathroom. I listened to mindless TV and worked slowly but steadily on my project. Nicer to feel like an Aesop Fable than a Lifetime movie any day.

I am focusing on turning the tumor over to the chemo drug and the Universe. All of your prayers and energy are helping focus that too. I am resting, Kelly is going the extra ten miles to amp up my nutrition and anything else I need. A well regulated army of friends and family are rotating through once more to keep everything flowing.

Still asking what you can do? Do you have a great recipe for a high nutrition meal, a fantastic bone broth based dish maybe, or fool proof nut milk, email it to me. If you live in Eugene, the Google Calendar Eileen set up will show the weekly schedule and any special needs/events that week. Live far away? I promise you there is someone in your nearby community who needs you. A ride to the cancer center for treatment, someone to sit with their mother with dementia so they can go to the grocery store, a home cooked meal, or just an encouraging smile when they feel like they can't go on. As we learned, you never know when you are going to need a lot of help yourself.

Thank you to all of the people who sent me both public and private notes of encouragement yesterday. Your words are nourishment for my soul.

Until Tomorrow,

Love,
Kiara

PS Rest in peace, Pismo. You will be missed.