Expletive Not Deleted

As someone born in Las Vegas weighing 7lbs, 11 oz. and 21" long (I promise I did not make that up, it's on my birth certificate), I would be safe to say I know a bit about gambling. I am more than willing to bet that never before have so many expletive laden prayer/thoughts/wishes been sent to G-d or the Universe than there have been on my behalf. And I love you all for it!

Today was a harder day to get started. Maybe it was the relief of knowing treatment would be starting. Maybe it was the few too many hours between pain meds-- Kelly doesn't make rounds at five am and wake me up like the nurses. Maybe it was just a low energy day. But I got up, ate, had meds, did my OT/PT, poked around the garden, watered the house plants (have I mentioned that no one else in my house can see a keeled over houseplant pleading for water?), a generally futzed around a little bit. I tried to avoid looking at the ever mounting piles of clean clothes that my sister sorted, washed, dried and folded. More than a bit of guilt there. However, I know that there are few things in this world that annoy me more than offering to help out only to arrive and be given nothing to do and ending up just being in the way. I'm going with that...

Jen came to visit. Somehow it has been so long. I was good to visit and catch up at least a little. So thankful she was able to take Karissa during our unexpected jaunt to OHSU. So thankful to have such a connection. A forever friend that just fits. She is having Karissa over tomorrow night. Just a pre-emptive strike in case I do have some reaction to the chemo. No sense in Karissa watching me puke if there is a better option out there. Karina will be gone for a wedding expo, so both girls would be spared some ick. Not that we're hoping for ick. But just in case.

Did I mention tomorrow is Kelly's birthday? A good round of chemo is what he is getting as a gift. And actually, possibly not even a gift. The insurance company has yet to approve paying for this "off-label" application, so the cancer center called and said we will need to sign a waiver saying we will pay for it if they don't come through. Kelly never batted an eye. Even though this is a generic drug, each dose is $4,600. Not that cancer isn't a big business...

Additionally today, I saw Zachary for some acupuncture magic. Some swelling and pain management, as well as some liver detoxing to gear up for the assault that the liver takes from chemo. We also stopped off at Fred Meyer to replenish my pharmacopia. I hung out in the car to save my energy for Grocery Outlet. Perhaps a bit sad that walking around the Grocery Outlet is a big outing for me, but it is what it is.

The irony of me pumping so many drugs through my body is not lost on me. The one who prided herself on being on not one prescription drug and having 20/20 vision. The one who harps on eating real food, avoiding dastardly sugar and additives, chemicals and GMOS. That person whom you might hide your Cheetos or soda from out of some fear I would be judging you. I promise you I wasn't judging you, only wanting the best for you, for everyone. Now, I am one giant chemistry experiment.

We've reached the stage of the game where there is a lot less of the risk benefit analysis. A lot more of "this is really not particularly good for you, but what have you got to lose?" There is some relief in that, though. You don't agonize over the decisions. You go with them.

I find encouragement and inspiration all around me. My friend, Kristin, has been in her own battle with cancer and lupus for years. She has been on maintenance chemo a long time. Last year she had to give up playing the flute, her livelihood and a huge part of her life, as she lost the use of one arm. And yet, somehow, despite the pain, the dire predictions that she would be gone years ago, I read today that she is back playing. Not just playing, but performing again. Amazing!

I find encouragement in Serafina, who has waged her battle with oral cancer six time of a span of over two decades. During that time, she had two beautiful children, worked far longer than anyone would have predicted, and continued to live and thrive. Despite all the changes to her body and the challenges she faces daily, her smile beamed out clearly from a recent picture with her husband at the Eiffel Tower. Amazing!

Among my friends are many who suffer with various ailments. Fibromyalgia, Sorjen's Disease, chronic back pain, nerve damage, brain damage, and others. Largely, you never hear them complain. They continue to live each day to the fullest based on what their body will let them do that day. They are often the ones who are going the extra mile-- volunteering at school, running organizations, leading the charge against some injustice.

Some of my friends have children that have serious health issues or physical/mental challenges. Each day can bring an unexpected medical drama that most of us never think about. We send our children off to school without worrying if they will be exposed to a fatal peanut, yank out their feeding tube, or be bullied because they look different than the other kids. And yet again, these are often the parents that volunteer in the classroom, take part in the PTO, and are at the forefront of fund raising for the school.

Through my world traveling friends I have been able to experience places I will never go. I mean, even assuming a complete cure, the likelihood that I'll be canoeing into a hidden sea cave or climbing Mt. Everest is pretty much nil. But it is like I went there because they took me there, not only through the pictures they sent and the descriptions they give, but because they took me there with them in their hearts.

I will not sit in the middle of a band or orchestra again and have the music swirl around me. That experience is so different than listening in the audience or on the radio that it is difficult for me to put into words. But through Facebook, I can experience so many of my music friends and their grand adventures on cruise ships, in back water bars, on big stages, small stages, in the pit.  I can put myself at their recording session or concert and feel that feeling again. That is no small gift.

For me, I will continue to crochet. I will continue to plant/harvest/jam etc. as I am able. I'll plan the next project on the assumption I will be here. Because life doesn't stop and wait for you to feel better.

Tomorrow morning I will start with Karen's healing hands and she will be calling up all the good mojo for me that she is capable of-- which is formidable. I will be at the cancer center at 1:45. They start with blood work and pre-meds, so I would guess that the actual drug, Gemcitabine/Gemzar, will be hung around 2:15. At that point, all my focus, all my thoughts, all my energy will focused on directing this drug towards my tumor. A Fuck that Fucking Fucker. Be done with you. I have learned the lessons you have come to teach. I have paid my tithe and then some. I've always been the outlier, so there is no reason that the long odds should not work in my favor.

Thank you to every member of Team Kiara who has helped, prayed, thought, cried, laughed, hoped, and researched on my behalf. All of that energy is pouring into the Universe to help my body and mind and this medicine and G-d and all other powers to make this tumor go away.

So, once more, with feeling: FUCK THAT FUCKING FUCKER (FTFF for those of you really not all that comfortable with swearing...)

Until tomorrow,

I love you!

Kiara

PS--Always feel free to pass my blog around to anyone who might be interested. And teach them the cheer....