Tired and Searching

Yesterday was far and away better than the day before. Karina was still away. Kelly and Karissa went to the fair. I felt better and desperately wanted to be productive. I sorted the laundry and started it. I took some items off the drying rack and put them away. Unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. Washed a few dishes by hand. Put away many items that had been left various places other than their rightful home. The work gave me a sense of accomplishment, made my shoulder stop hurting, and completely exhausted me.

Eileen, bless her, came and mowed the lawn. It was her usual stealth act of kindness. I wouldn't have known except I happened to be outside turning off a hose. I was glad to at least give her some cucumbers. I had some garlic for her, too, but she was gone before I got outside with it.

Speaking of garlic, I did finally get the rest of it topped yesterday. It is too hot/dry to keep it in the garage any longer, so I'm glad I finished it. I would be gladder if I hadn't run out of steam before cleaning up my mess. Yes the garlic is done. No, I didn't sweep up all the tops and roots from the floor in the garage. That mess still awaits me.

While it seemed I did pathetically little yesterday, it was so much more than I have been doing. After dinner I again wound up on the couch and fell sound asleep. Another night of napping until bedtime. Sigh.

I had hoped with all that sleep that I would feel great and raring to go this morning. Sadly that was not the case. I feel like I was rode hard and put away wet (if you don't know that expression, ask someone who rides horses...) My neck is so tied down to the front that it is almost hard to breathe. No amount of coaxing or stretching has made an impact on it, so now we've moved on to the heating pad and muscle relaxers.

But the show must go on. The engagement party is less than a week away. I am trying to be helpful and practical. Karina, Karissa, and I went to the thrift store and picked out some mix and match, shabby chic dessert plates. I know we will use them again for the shower and likely other gatherings along the way. I  probably have enough plates in my china set, but I would probably freak out if they got broken or thrown away. I know that is dumb. If you aren't going to use them, why have them? But they are over 100 years old and they made it this far.

We had no trouble finding plenty. It is funny how different our tastes are. The ones I liked Karina thought were 'old ladyish' and the ones she liked I thought were 'old ladyish.' Karissa found three movies she couldn't live without, and at 99 cents each, I feel little guilt about purchasing them and then donating them back.

I wish I had had the stamina for a good scrounge. I passed through the games and spotted no less than a dozen Trivial Pursuits, including three All American versions. I didn't even venture into books or clothes. Most of what I am wearing is from the Lesley G. collection. She was kind enough to go out and buy me some button up shirts for chemo, first long sleeve, then short sleeve. While I have two drawers full of shirts, I still find these easier to get on/off, and they don't crowd the trach. As you might imagine, crew neck and trach tube are not very compatible, especially when my neck is crunched down like this.

Alas, I did not, so we headed home. Karina went to Nathan's. Karissa watched one of her "new" movies. Kelly is making meatballs. I am trying not to just go back to sleep. Hiding away in sleep is not a great solution. It also puts an extra load on Kelly. While I don't do much, I can at least  answer questions and try to entertain Karissa a bit. Really just a bit as I can hear them having a disagreement now...

Today was the Eugene Marathon, too. It makes me a little sad as every year I have said, "next year I'm walking the half." And there is always something the next year. Out of town. Didn't train. Cancer. You know, the usual excuses. Congratulations to Hannah on her first half- running, not walking either! Congratulations to all of the marathoners today, as well as all those doing the Race for a Cure this weekend, as well as all those volunteering at the huge international track meet at Hayward! I guess Eugene really is TrackTown USA.

As many of you know, I got brave and posted a picture with Reggie on Facebook. It was very hard because when I look at that picture, I don't recognize myself. My face is so round and swollen. My neck is tight and pulled forward. My body is not quite gaunt, but is surely leaner than it has ever been. My hair is just a fuzz of unknown color and texture. Of course, all my kind friends said beautiful but I don't know this person. Who is she? What does the future hold for her? Will she be able to assemble some sort of a 'normal' life?

I don't have a lot of time to dwell on these questions. Karissa is melting down. Kelly is at the end of his rope. I need to help both of them, but I can't even call out to them. I have to get up and go to them. I have to try to communicate my help through gestures and writing. Eventually, I get frustrated. Then all three of us are on edge. In case you were wondering, this is hard.

They keep assuring me it would be harder still if I wasn't here, despite all the extra work I add. I know how much I would miss any of them, so I understand. However, we aren't out of the woods yet. Future plans are all tentative at this point. So it is all about living for now the best we all can. Is it better to push myself to the point of exhaustion on the chance this is all I get, or better to try to rest and be more tomorrow when it comes? Lots of questions without answers.

I have so much to be thankful for that it really seems pathetic for me to complain this much. We are not in a situation where my loss of income is devastating. Our insurance, thank goodness, has an out of pocket cap (which I likely met January 3rd...) so the fact that I just passed the $250,000 mark for the year is less scary. We have tons of friends and family who have done everything in their power to make this easier for us. I have been awash in prayers, blessings and the power of the universe. Those things have made all the difference. I have no idea how I would have done this, how we as a family could have survived this, without all of these truths. When we are frayed and ragged and tired, I wonder how those without this help get through it. Or do they?

I have my garage mess to clean up, the calendar to change, thank you notes to write, and at least a dozen other things I SHOULD be doing, as well as finding a good diversion for Karissa as Kelly has reached his limit of patience. I hope this weekend finds you doing something fulfilling and not just time consuming.

Until tomorrow...

Love,
Kiara