Sad Sack Saturday and pests

Usually on chemo weeks, the trend is each day is a little better.  This time around, I felt great on Thursday and Friday and have felt worse since. Ugh. Not horrible, just tired and, well, icky.

Friday night was kind of the beginning of the unraveling. First was the news about the clinical trial and the swallowing. That headed into, is this going to be another time in my life when failure to practice comes  back to bite me in the ass? That had I been practicing swallowing diligently, I would have mastered it and this would be a no brainer? But I will never know. I could have practiced and practiced and never succeeded, or maybe I would have. AARRRGGGHHH!

Also, because things have been going so swimmingly with the new trach, we have been lax about fishing and suctioning. Friday night it was clear that some was in order. Since it had been awhile, it wasn't pretty. Lots of blood. Lots of angry ribs and muscles and lungs. The mouth pain that had finally cleared up after weeks returned as those still healing spots were tormented. So emotionally rocking and physically uncomfortable. Not a good combination.

This carried over into Saturday. While I woke up feeling okay, I expended that at the Saturday Market during Karissa's 45 minute ballet class. I'm glad we got the graduation gifts purchased, but I was wiped out. I couldn't even make it all the way back to the studio and had to wait on a little wall near the elevator for Kelly to go get her. That is pretty sad.

I spent the bulk of the afternoon on the couch after that watching Preakness coverage (yay California Chrome-- the Cinderella story continues...). Shefa came to babysit me while Kelly went to the mandatory ballet parent meeting. I was supposed to be there too, but I played my get out of meeting free card. Shefa and I had a nice visit, she worked on the lovely beret she is making, and I vegged.

Things kind of went downhill after they got home from the meeting. Karissa wants to go to the park, park, park. It is sunny, but there is shade at the park, park, park,where mom could sit. Can we, can we, can we??? No. Okay, I am going to put on a ballet show to ten songs outside. Can you get the lawn chairs and come outside now, now, now. Kelly said, "It would be much easier on mom if you could do your show inside." And then the knife through the heart. "Mom can't do anything."

While I know I've played games, helped with homework, done ballet buns and listened to stories, in addition to countless shows, I was devastated. All the thousands of fun things Jen and the kids and I did over the years. Was Osbourne Aquatics just last summer?!? Yes, lots of other people are taking her to do fun things, but mom can't do anything.

I was sobbing. Kelly very calmly had the "Mom has cancer" conversation, again. It is so hard to explain to a 9 year old. Hell, I don't understand it and I'm more than 9. Lots of emotion.

Ultimately, the ballet show to five songs was performed inside, and it conveniently rained briefly right in the middle of it, causing a "good thing we're inside" comment from Karissa.

But did I dwell. Yes, a little. And that heads into, at least Karissa has the the fun things we did do. What about Karina. I'm sure you recognize this quicksand. Time for take some anti-nausea meds and go to sleep.

That almost worked except I still had to eat. And shower. And have my collar changed, which is a major undertaking. And the canula cleaned, wound clean up, etc. You get the picture. I was still in bed by eight and out not long after that.

It wasn't the most restful night and I didn't wake up feeling great. Thank goodness for Angie being on Sunday duty again. She took to Hebrew School, picked up from Hebrew School, fed Karissa lunch, and took her to the piano recital. Kelly and I did make it to the recital and I made through even most of the awards.

We made a quick stop at the store for Kelly to run in for the bare bones items. He unlocked my canula just in case.

Angie brought Karissa home and gathered up birthday party stuff, swim suit, etc. and they were off again. For the umpteeth time I wondered, what would we do without Angie?

Karina was home briefly today. She got the Jeep dealt with yesterday, and while she got a little shystered on the "your old battery won't work with your new starter..." it is resolved. She had her very first job interview today. I was very impressed with how serious she took it and what care she took in dressing and asking her dad for interviewing advice. It sounds as if she presented herself well, at the experience of interviewing is important. I am very proud of her.

We had dinner deliveries the last several days in a row. Between our friends and the synagogue, we will not go hungry for sure. The kindesses are overwhelming.

The snakes in the yard must be doing their jobs because I have never had strawberries with so little slug eat. Nearly flawless. Amazing! We also have the first peas coming in, too. This is where it gets hard for me, not putting that ripe strawberry in my mouth, or stripping out that pea pod right in the yard. Sigh.

However, this is the worst, by far, mouse year we have ever had. We have always suffered them in the garage to a certain degree, along with once or twice a year having one in the house. This year, the destruction in the garage is devastating and the traps are filled as fast as Kelly sets them. Elsa can still bring down a mouse, even at 17 and a half, and managed two in one day. Yuck. We know they come up the duct work, but they are so small, it is really hard to prevent it. Maybe we need bigger snakes...

Speaking of the old cat, she has always had a litter box issue. If  you ever came to our house in Las Vegas, you would remember the plastic forks in the potted plants, tines up, to discourage her unpleasant habits. Unfortunately, cleaning cat litter is one of Kelly's very least favorite tasks, but since Karina is at school, it falls to him. Since he doesn't like it, it pretty quickly gets dropped to the bottom of the priority list. And then, there are consequences.

She selected a plant and made use of it. Of course, the "leak proof" saucer was not designed for this particular fluid, so it leaked through, leaving yet another big round mark on the wood floor. Sigh.

There hasn't been a lot of joy in Mudville.

Hoping for an upswing tomorrow. Not too busy this week, other than the big "test" in Portland on Wednesday. I am trying not to get worked up about it. I will figure it out, or I won't. Either way, what could be more fun than doing contortionist moves with a swollen neck, a trach tube and a scope threaded up your nose and into your throat so they can see what your esophagus is doing. Everyone will be lining up to try it next. like the zip line in downtown Las Vegas.

One last parting thought...

Of all the amazing help we have received from people, the people doing the most are the people who are already doing the most. They are the ones who work full time, are on committees, volunteer at school, drive car pools, and a hundred other things. Why is it that some people can do so much while others do so little? The people who can keep track of a dozen tv shows but can't spare a dozen minutes to help his/her child with his/her homework. The people who complain about how something is done, but never once offer a solution or to participate. The people for whom a bad cup of coffee or a line of more than three people at the grocery store is the end of the world. What if those people did a little something? Not for me, but for someone. A half an hour at the kid's school. Twenty minutes at the senior center. Even ten minutes calling a friend to check in. What would happen if that happened? Just wondering.