I think I'm from Ork

I know, another reference no one under 40 will understand. In the 70's, there was a tv show, Mork and Mindy. Mork, played by a very young Robin Williams, was from the planet Ork. On Ork, as infants, people are in an old  person's body. As they age, they physically grow younger, while manifesting the usual complaints of old age in a child's body.

At 16, getting into size 14 jeans required lying on the bed, and sometimes bargaining with the universe.
At 46, the size 6 jeans zip up maybe even a bit too easily.

At 16, I couldn't imagine leaving my bedroom without a bra, let alone the house.
At 46, who can tell?

At 16, I bemoaned the fact that everything was so high in calories.
At 46, I add straight oils to my food to bring the fat and calorie content up.

At 16, my fingernails were gnawed to bloody stumps, with accompanying hang nails.
At 46, my nails could be in a salon ad.  Except that whole being 46 year old hands thing.

Of course, my grandpa hair and swollen face don't exactly fit the getting younger profile.

There was a lot of wonderful in my world today.

Jen came this morning and cleaned. I had the stamina to actually get up a visit a little. How is it almost Evan's  birthday? Wasn't it just Karissa's? Erin's? How much my world has changed in that time.

Watching Jen, I came to the conclusion that I have ADHD- attention deficit housework disorder. In two hours, she cleaned most of my house, did all the laundry, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher and changed the sheets. It that amount of time (healthy) I might have finished the bathroom. Hmmm... she doesn't spend time wondering if there is a better way to store the hair thingies, or randomly start reorganizing a drawer. When she goes into the laundry room to put something away, she comes right back out and continues what she was working on. Weird.

She also cleaned the cat litter. There was serious danger that Kelly might kiss her full on the mouth.

Thank goodness we had enough eggs to give her a dozen. That assuaged my guilt a little. But I do revel in the clean sheets:)

The judge struck down Oregon's ban on same sex marriage, and some families we know were finally able to get married today. And lots of families we don't know. Love wins:)

Spring Creek is getting a school counselor next year. This was a project I had been working on, but hadn't gotten to the crucial part, but they beat me to it. I don't care how it happened. I am so thankful that the high needs students at the school will finally have access to this piece of the puzzle.

I got a shower and the swelling is down.

Joel swallowed milk shake today and I am so excited for him. A little jealous, but happy for his success.

I finally, finally have visible new skin growing in on my neck. I can actually see it in the mirror. I have been diligently trying to keep my head up more to aid this process.

I feel better over all.

The chemo has done some interesting things this time around, however. My hands are terrible, with neuropathy spreading through them, even into the wrists. I also have sores on my fingers and my face is breaking out. My body is shoving this chemo out where ever it can. I am hopeful that Zachary can work some magic tomorrow.

Tomorrow we also meet with the radiation oncologist. I trust Dr. F as much as anyone I've ever met. You know a doctor that will hold you until you calm down after having a panic attack in the radiation machine doesn't come along every day. He was pretty confident about re-radiating, although he was very honest about the risks. I am worried. I know what radiation does. But I also want this gone. The chemo did some work, the radiation needs to do the rest. I have a slew of questions for him tomorrow.

Wednesday afternoon is the swallowing adventure and meet with Dr. A. I would be lying if I said I wasn't terrified. I'm not sure if I am more afraid that I can't swallow, or what will happen when I try. I am really trying my best not to completely freak myself out. That serves no purpose.

My other struggle is about writing letters to my girls. While I am still confident that there are options for me, I would be absurd not to recognize that I am in fairly fragile health at the moment. I am afraid if something happened to me that I have left nothing for them for the future. On the other hand, writing letters in case I die is overwhelmingly dark and frightening. How do you tell them everything you hope for them in the future?

I am happy for all the "newlyweds" in Oregon tonight. I am happy to be feeling less yucky. I am thankful for my amazing friends who clean my house, tote my kid around, check in on me via text/email/facebook and give me a much needed pep talk, and buy a friend lunch to do something nice for someone today. My blessings are many.

Until tomorrow, with a radiation update,

Kiarab