Blood, Chemicals and Fears

Today was a day of ups and downs. One of those days when I can go from feeling almost "normal" to feeling almost hideous in a matter of minutes. I like the almost normal parts. The others not so much.

Karissa slept from around 8:30 last night until 9:30 this morning. Exhausted. I was very glad she slept. Very glad Kelly got some sleep. Me, off and on.

Since I already let the woo woo cat out of the bag yesterday, I might as well go right on. This morning while they were slumbering and I was in and out of sleep, my grandmother came to talk to me. This is not completely new as she has shown up in  dreams more than a few times. I always know it is her because she always calls me "Kiara Ann" and she is the only who ever did that who wasn't yelling at me. A lot of what she had to say was kind of foggy, but the last thing she said was, "It isn't as scary as you think." The only problem is, I don't know what "it" is.  Radiation? The future? Death? I'm hoping for the first two out of three...

The problem with getting advice from deceased relatives and the Universe is they don't let you ask questions.

Lest you think this is a first, I can assure it is not. When Karina was a baby, the wonderful woman who took care of me as a child, starting in infancy, and shaped so much of who I became, came to me. She told me it was okay that I had moved on and not kept in touch with her. Keep in mind that Karina was born in 1995. Dadie was born in 1900. I called my mother in hysterics. She and my sister drove by her house. The movers were packing it up. She had just passed recently. Woo woo.

Karissa's first request was the Saturday Market. Okay. I need a shower. She went to play with Poppy. While I stood in the shower and ran the hot water tank dry, I remembered today was the March Against Monsanto. I was at the last one. If I wasn't in this condition, I'd be at this one. But thousands of extra people is not a good idea. So we pushed the time back.

I know those of you who are friends with me on Facebook might get sick of my Monsanto posts. And my food critiques. Who wants to take nutrition advice from someone who has cancer for a third time?

But there is another way to look at it. Look at what I've survived.

I am not saying food is the be all/end all. I also think chemicals play a huge role.  Remember the Batman movie with Michael Keaton? The Joker was poisoning people using personal hygiene products. But ingeniously, it wasn't the individual products, it was combinations of products. So think about this: what about all the chemicals in your hygiene products, sprayed on your food, off gassed from your household goods, belched out by factories, etc. What if it isn't the products themselves, but the combination? You can only control so many variables. What you eat is one of them.

Random fact, if you were born after 1970, unless you purposely sought it out, you have never eaten beef that wasn't corn fed. Never. I won't even talk about the other things they feed them, besides corn...

I digress. At any rate, take a minute to think about your chemical load. My cancer was caused by stress and my inability to let my anger and hurt out. I know that. Perhaps the reason I've survived it was trying it reduce the stress on my body in other ways. Just sayin...

Back to your normal blog...

You know when you shower so long you need a nap to recover, either your shower was too long or you have no stamina.

By the time we got our act together and got downtown, the farmer's market was packing up shop. So much for the only reason I go. We walked around a bit. I went back to the car and Kelly and Karissa delved deeper. It seemed like it was 4,000 degrees in the car. At least I wasn't cold.

Before we could even leave the Market, I had a Magic Mouthwash moment.  I was cranking my head around trying to see Karissa's balloon animal in the mirror. I crinked the wrong was and a nice mouthful of acid came up and set my mouth afire. Thank you Lidocaine. We stopped again on the way home at the Market and Kelly and Karissa went in. My canula was unlocked the whole time I was alone both times and I had the suction. I'm not a glutton.

When we got home I was hungry. A nice big smoothie sounded good. Looked good. Smelled good.

I ate too much.

A tubie mom would tell me what comes next. You puke up the excess. Nice.

So smoothie with Reglan chaser. And the coughing starts.

And the coughing gets worse.

And the bleeding starts.

It is official, I am going to dirty more towels today than ever before.

Bleeding from the mouth. First barfing than bleeding. Can this day get any better???

Why yes it can, because a little while later I have another attractive bout of blood pouring out of my mouth. Lovely. I know you wish you were me.

Ice water seems to soothe the savage beast. The amount isn't huge but blood is not my favorite thing. I like it to stay inside my body where it belongs.

Despite my bouts of drama, I did get outside a bit. I watered a bit. I admired the amazing work done by the ninja garden crew. The giant pile of leaves is almost gone. My neighbors may throw a party. My husband may deny me computer access when leaves become available this fall...

I don't feel like I walked enough today, but drama must count for something.

Fear is an interesting thing. At times, I don't feel afraid in the least. Spewing blood out of my mouth is not one of those times. When you live in a somewhat precarious position of what ifs, every little thing might be a big thing. Or it is just a little thing. Or... how do you know. Too many sentences lately end with, "... if that happens, call 911."

I know logically that fear will change nothing. What is going to happen is going to happen. I can do everything I can to make the outcome go my way, which is what I intend to do. But fear likes to sneak in around the edges and whisper questions about the future that scare the hell out of you. Thanks fear.

By the way, I made my trek to the mailbox sans hat. I let the wind blow through my hairs. I'm sure I look a treat, but at this point, who gives a crap.

And finally, to dearest Chris for her sweet comment. My personal goal for quite a long time has been to try to make everyone as comfortable as possible. I don't know if it is because I spent so much time feeling like I never quite fit in, or what, but I want everyone to feel like they belong. Certainly there were plenty of times when I shredded someone verbally this was not my goal. But overall, especially as a post college adult, I hope I have helped people feel accepted and valued for who they are and what they have to offer. You were amazingly kind to me, especially after my divorce. The words of advice you gave me I have shared dozens of time and it never fails to get an "exactly" as well as often bursting into tears. You are a wise woman with so much to give.  You don't raise that many boys and not learn a thing or two. Love you my friend.

Until tomorrow.
Kiara