Who Have I Become?

So first things first, the news I'm assuming you've been wondering about. Dr. A called yesterday after he spoke to the chemo doctor. Onward to round three on Monday and then scans. Then we'll decide if there is round four or five or what will come next. There is no reason to believe that this particular drug profile isn't working, but if it isn't, there are lots of other options. The fact that I can breathe through my nose is a good sign, too. We will take all the good signs we can get.

Yesterday Rabbi Yitz came to visit, at my request. He has been checking in via email and Rabbi Boris via phone, but I felt like I needed the contact. I remember how kind he was when he came to the hospital to see me after my open heart surgery.

He was wonderful, and, as always, a calming presence. He listened to my questions for the universe and gave me the best answers that are out there. I have been wrestling with an issue for sometime now and he was able to give my mind a direction for processing it. I finally feel like I figured out, if not the "answer," at least a solution I can live with and keep my sanity. For that I will be eternally grateful.

The last few days I have seen a part of myself that seldom comes out. Yesterday afternoon, the cleaning woman came that Mitch and Carmen so generously provided. We have only had someone clean for us once, back in Las Vegas, for our first home visit after we adopted Karissa. Imagine our mortification when the Merry Maids were still there when the social worker arrived and we had to meet with her in our bedroom as it was the only place not in a state of being "tidied."

In my mind, four hours is forever, even though I know full well there have been entire days when all four of us slaved all day and still found ourselves hiding stuff in a closet before company came. It was amazing how much she accomplished. The laundry room is cleaner than its ever been. I'm not sure what to say to that as is it such a go between room and housing the cat litter that I want to think about what kinds of things she found.

It was a strange mix of emotions. I felt terribly guilty sitting on my rear while this woman cleaned. Not only cleaned, but cleaned around our disorder. As you can imagine, things have been more than a bit chaotic around here. All my stuff for feeding, and meds, and so much other stuff is all over the kitchen counter. The bedroom is kind of piled with stuff. She folded and stacked neatly as best as someone who had never been in our house could.

On the other hand, why did I never do this before? Yes, it costs money. Yes, if you look at the cost over a year's span of time, it adds up to a substantial bit. However, how many weekends could have been doing something pleasant as a family instead of fighting about who was going to clean the bathroom? When I worked full time in Vegas, our precious little free time was often sucked up by rudimentary cleaning chores. Yes, everyone needs to learn to clean, but toilet bowls do not make for great lifetime memories.

And while I am wandering into the uncharted territory of spending money on something I could do for myself...

I have a small collection of somewhat raggy old t-shirts of Kelly's. I've worn them after several surgeries as the looseness and launder ability were pluses. Of course we are talking about back to 2007, although I think all the ones I cut the neck out of for my sternotomy did finally get pitched.

I've been wearing these to bed at night as some rather unattractive stuff drains out of the large open wound in my neck and I cough stuff out of the trach tube. And I drool. However, over time, their number has dwindled and sometimes getting a crew neck over is not that easy. Also, they used to just be loose. Now they are quite spacious.

My old self would say, wear them until they fall apart. Why get grossness on something new. But I just couldn't help myself. I bought new v-neck t-shirts at the Bi-Mart. While the logic of buying something you know you are going to ruin fairly quickly is lacking, the thought of having something soft to wear to bed that fits better and is easier to get over my head was too much for me. I'm guessing most of you have not put this much thought into spending $7 on white cotton t-shirts. Welcome to the magic that is my brain.

So, speaking of grossness and pajamas... you know your husband really loves you when he can still look at you lustfully when you have gunk on your shirt, a sparse comb-over of hair, swollen face, draining open wound, AND have just spent time discussing what is the next option in the great constipation caper. Keep your $72 million dollar weddings. That, my friends, is true love. Or desperation. Or probably a website I don't really want to think about.

My last realization for today. I've struggled a bit with the outpouring of love and kindness my family has received. I don't know if anyone can truly grasp the scope of what has been given to us, done for us, brought to us, prayed, wished, hoped, and on and on and on. I have tried to figure out why I/we "deserve" this. I finally realized-- remember I tend to be a bit obtuse at times-- that I've been building a really big family for all these years. Lots of moms, sisters, brothers, dads, cousins, aunts, uncles and so on. There is nothing I wouldn't do for any of these people. While I don't feel like I've ever done much for anyone else, I'm going to have to go with the assumption that that is not entirely true. Also, as Anji observed many years ago, I collect smart people. I apparently also collect nice people. Thank goodness for that.

Just a brief update on Sara. The news I have heard has not been very encouraging, I am afraid. Continue to keep her in your thoughts and prayers. She makes my journey look like a walk in the park.

As always, a thousand thank yous for all you do, have done, will do. To Jen for birthday food and Eileen for organizing the Garden Work Party. To all the meal train deliverers, prayers, drivers, caretakers of my loved ones, my deepest thanks. To my "pit crew" of Zachary, Mia, Karen, and Heather, I have no idea how I'd make it through this without you. My love and hugs to you all.

Kiara