Realization, observation, and thanks

I've pointed out before that for someone who is allegedly "smart," I'm am not always that swift on the uptake. Yesterday I had one of those realizations that leaves everyone else looking at me saying, "Duh."

Of all the wonderful things about Kelly, one of them that has been the best is that he never panics. I have never seen him panic.  Of course, I am usually under general anesthesia when one might witness that, but still. Yesterday I realized that one of the worst things about Kelly is that he never panics.

I have established that I have absolutely no trust in what I think my body is trying to tell me. Even when it is being loud in clear, the voices in my head say, "No, you're fine" and generally shout it down. I need someone else to panic for me.

When I was going through all the breathing drama leading up to the trach, I would dread going to bed each night because as soon as I reclined in the least, my airway would collapse and I couldn't breathe. Any rational person would recognize this as, at the very least, not okay. Me, naw, I'm fine. No big deal. And, because I was calm, Kelly was calm.

When I finally said we should go to the ER and have it looked at, he seemed surprised. When I had a breathing crisis the day after that, he was asking me if I wanted him to call and ambulance or drive me back to the ER. You can't ask me, because I will always say no.

By the time we went up for the trach that Tuesday, I was in bad shape. Kelly did not show panic. The surgeon, his fellow, and the anesthesiologist, they showed panic. I hit panic.

Maybe he is the most gifted actor of us all.

Yesterday was a beautiful day. We ran one errand to Heather the Herbalist extraordinaire. Hopefully we can get this lovely gaping wound in my neck to start closing up. I did walk around outside a bit. A few fun rounds of "let's hack up stuff you breathed in during childhood," and you have a full? day.

The Etcheverry-Millers made it to Eugene yesterday. Yay! I am excited to see them, although I'm not sure I am excited for them to see me. I hesitate to write this next part because I know it will make them cry, but I feel I must. I have no recollection of what my own voice sounds like, even though it has only been maybe six weeks. However, I can hear Andy's voice like he is sitting next too me and it has been over six years. I can hear him laughing. Dawn has always said he never finished a meal when I was around because he was laughing. That is definitely part of my happy place.

I have no idea how we functioned before Mary and Natalie got here and I have no idea how we will function when Natalie leaves on Sunday. Kelly was up with me twice in the night. I have no idea when he came to bed finally. Having her to get Karissa up, and dressed and out the door is huge. Not to mention the roughly 247 loads of laundry she has done, thousands of dishes washed, all the food she has cooked for us, and countless other things, not the least of which is holding my hand when trach cleaning goes rough. It will be a cold hard slap of reality when she leaves.

Speaking of reality... from age 14 to 40, my biology was about as reliable as a second-hand Yugo. It showed up when it could strand me in the worst possible way. Suddenly at 40, when the thought of getting pregnant is more frightening than it would have been even at 14, it's clockwork. People always say G-d has a sense of humor, but that isn't it. Radiation took me down to my ideal body weight and I've stayed within striking distance. Also, I had the 'estrogen sinks' pared down. Hmmm... an now everything works.

If you don't eat with your mouth and you don't speak, you don't move your jaws. If you don't move your jaws, you stop being able to move your jaws. Damn. Back to the jaw stretches.

Thank you to Eileen, and Jen and to everyone else who is involved in the great help the Wolf family project. I am not privy to the Google Doc, but knowing the people involved, I have no doubt this is one highly impressive plan. We all deeply appreciate you looking at what you can do for us when you all have plenty you need to do already.

Of course, the ongoing daily thank you to Heather for schlepping Karissa to this and to that and for being a warm, gentle influence in her life. Karissa has six siblings, five of which live far away. It is nice for her to experience having two brothers.

Dearest Lesley went in search of chemo shirts for me- shirts with easy port access. She bought me three beautiful, soft ones, and even washed them first so we wouldn't have to do that. She also brought her beautiful new quilt to show me. Such amazing skill. The beauty was uplifting. She took Karissa with her after her visit, saving Heather at least one trip across town. I am not sure we will be able to spend first seder with the Griffels as that is the first day of my next round of chemo. She said come any night during Passover and they would put together a seder for us. This family's kindness know no bounds.

Another one with boundless kindness, of course, is Angie. She has been coordinating with Heather on the driving, and doing so many other kindnesses for us and Karissa. She rescued Karissa from having to eat lentils after she took her to a tennis activity. She plans picnics and hikes and joyful outings. Karissa has a huge family.

Not to forget Ed, who has the magic formula for getting Karissa to read. I don't know what it is. Getting her to read often times is worse than pulling teeth.  And, speaking of teeth, if you know of some way to get her to brush her teeth, another ongoing battle, we'd love to hear it. Or how to get her to wiggle out that last baby tooth so she could get her braces on. See, we still have normal, mundane problems in our world.

Thanks to Heather and Mia and Karen who continue to use their skills to promote my healing and improve my quality of life. I have no idea how I would do this without them.

And thank you to all of you who send me your love and energy via prayers or thoughts or vibes. Who have added me to prayer lists. Who have meditated on my behalf. Who have requested healing for me. Who check in via email, text, card, facebook, or blog comment.

Finally, condolences to my dear Nancy Thomas, who is burying her father today at the Veteran's Cemetary. Know that in my heart I am holding your hand and have my arm around you. Know in my heart I am helping your mother. Know that I love you.

Until tomorrow,
Kiara