One Down

It has been a day of mixed emotions for me. I am very happy to have my friend the pump off, although it really wasn't all that cumbersome or noisy. If you put a positive spin on what it is doing, it's fine. You do have to remember to take it with you, even to the bathroom at three am, which was sometimes a challenge.

I suspicion that the fun side effects might be just to come, though. They did tell me when I come back on the 14 for my next pump, my hair will fall out. Like, when I walk through the door? I'll leave a trail behind me? Whatever. I'll dig out some knit hats.

On the way to the car, I did, as I have thousands of times, brushed my fingers through the sage and brought them to my nose, and...nothing. I can't smell anything because no air is passing through my nose. I can't taste anything because I eat through a tube and the trach kind of impedes the burp for the aftertaste. On occasion my eyes have been swollen shut and the swelling and the chemo clouds my ears. That leaves touch. Although his constant care is amazing, having someone always there to touch is very comforting when all your other senses are compromised. I wish that you never have to experience it, but know that, in its own way, it is a precious gift.

Strangely, on the nausea roller coaster today, I have been missing food. Weird things. Bacon sandwiches. Ice water. Bread just makes me sad. Bread in the blender is, well, paste. Bread has to bitten into and savored. Sometimes just the sound of someone else eating bread makes me sad. I hesitate to type that because now my family will turn to eating bread covertly. I feel the same way about brownies, although right now the thought of a brownie makes me want to throw up.

Yes, nausea is around. Not horrible. Actually the Reglan works wonderfully for me, despite the fact that I guess it is old school. The only down side is it puts me right to sleep. It works better than any pain meds they've tried. As far as sleep goes, I am seriously considering lashing my forehead to the headboard of the bed. When I fall asleep, instead of my neck muscles relaxing and sinking into the pillow, they constrict and pull my head forward. This is really not the least bit comfortable, as you can imagine, nor is it conducive to breathing through your neck.

Trach care has been good today. I'm pretty sure I've hacked on every surface in our bedroom. Gross. I am like a baby about the canula, though. I do not want it back in. I will beg for five more minutes with it out, like a kid asking for one more story. I don't know what it is about it. I'm pretty sure the fact that it sounds like a bendy straw going into a Slurpee has something to do with it...

I have to move around as I have done nothing today more strenuous than go get the pump off. Mary comes tomorrow, so maybe I should wrap her birthday present from December. Hopefully Natalie and I can finish Mary's Christmas present (many, many Christmases) while she is here.

Heather continues to to be Wonder Woman, carting Karissa to and from, feeding her, homeworking her, etc. Tonight she had her from after school until Hebrew School, then Angie picked her up from Hebrew School and did the evening duties. Karissa is leading quite the Bohemian lifestyle. As I have said a hundred times, I have no idea how we would do this without all the help.

So I have a week and a half to gain as much strength and health as I can to be ready for round two. I am going to move around and ice to keep the swelling down so I can see the beauty around me. I am going to take every opportunity I have to touch those around me to feel their love. I am going to refill my positive energy reserves. Oh, and I am going to celebrate my birthday. I may even make it to DMV yet (much more encouraged since they said I didn't have to take a new picture...)

Thank you for your love, your prayers, your thoughts, your encouragement, your gifts, your kindnesses, your blessings, your help, your meals, your positive energy, your cards, letters, notes, Facebook comments and emails. It takes a village to get through cancer treatment. Thank you for welcoming me to yours.

With much love,
Kiara