Miscellaneous Brain Dump

To say the 2013-1014 academic year has not gone as I envisioned would be a gross understatement. While I have bemoaned many of the big losses, sometimes the little ones wander through my head. All the cutesy things I was going to mail to Karina at her dorm room. None. All the letters I was going to have Karissa write to friends and siblings. None. The new things I was going to try. None. Well, I've actually tried LOTS of new things, but believe me, not one I have anticipated.

Friday was a very nice birthday. Not my best, I assure you, but okay. Angie and Ed came to visit and brought some lovely geraniums Karissa had helped pick out. Susan and Rebeca came to visit and brought cards and lovely orchids. I love visiting, but sometimes it gets a little frustrating trying to keep up with the stream of conversation. Still feel very blessed for it.

Since cake sounded yucky to me, the others had cake. Karissa  blew out the candles so I didn't have to try that. Obviously I didn't sing. There were lots of presents, including a beautiful picture of Karissa that Heather helped her make. How does she do it all?  Mary and Karina also brought a lovely shirt and scarf. Their plan was that it would be a head scarf, but it turned out to be quite a bit larger than the anticipated. More of a sarong. It is lovely, though, and I will figure out a way to wear it.

Saturday morning I woke up feeling ambitious. I'm not sure if I should have gone with it, or not. Instead, I went back to sleep. I was not as 'weeding-inclined' when I woke up the second time. The Saturday Market opened, as it always does near my birthday, like a gift from Eugene. For the first time, I was not up for it. Not the energy, not the jostling, not the germs, and some things just make me sad. I've been having dreams about eating lately for some reason. I don't need to purposely torture myself.

Still the lure of spring is too much. Like everyone in Eugene, we lost a lot of foundation plantings to this winter's wacky weather. While that is a  bit too ambitious for me, I did venture to Backyard Farmer for some peas, an artichoke, a rosemary and an oregano. We did stop by Down to Earth for a male kiwi to replace ours that did not survive. Then I was done. Completely done. Any thoughts of actually planting when I got home went away. I should have napped. But I didn't.

Unfortunately there was a huge hacking up of chunks. And it was exhausting. Even with Mary holding my hand, it was overwhelming. I sent myself back into shockland again. Couldn't get warm. Couldn't stop shivering. Worse, I had a moment. All my life, as I have said many times, I have questioned myself when it comes to my body. I stood up and thought, "I am going to collapse." But of course the overriding voices in my head said, "No, you're not!" But, I was. Kelly and Mary had to kind of muddle me over to the couch, wrap me in blankets and and heat ups.

The saline nebulizer is a good thing (thank you, Tammy.) It would be even better if I did it more often. Yes, four times a day. I stabilized and settled down.

While I did nothing strenuous all evening. However, I stayed up too late trying to maximize my time with Mary and was thoroughly exhausted when I went to be. It was a long night. Lots of up and down and shift and twist. At 6:55, I got up and brought in the paper and read it. Again, I still didn't feel too bad. But then I went back to sleep.

This morning again there was a bad trach clearing episode. Very bad. Bad because the coughing just wiped me out. To the point that breathing was an effort. That Kelly had to yell at me a few times to get me going again. An overwhelming start to the day.

While I was being dramatic, Karina was doing the great airport dosey-do. Mary headed home on the plane that Natalie came in on. She is here for a fun filled week of laundry, cooking, Karissa entertaining, and hopefully giving Kelly a bit of a break.

We are facing down another week. Not too much on the agenda this week. Visitors and trying to continue to get through the day to day. Of course next week there is much more. Why does it have to be like that?

A huge thank you to Mary Seehafer for helping and being such a comforting force. Continuing thanks and blessings to Heather and Angie for getting Karissa to and from all of her various activities and events. More thank yous to Eileen Nittler for all she has done and continues to do. She is in charge of the finding help crew, so if you want to help out, let her know.

I am hopeful as I enter the next year of my life. While this certainly wasn't my best birthday, much better than the alternative.

Words of wisdom?

Kiara