An Easter Tradition

All the Easters when I was a little girl run together.  I know we hunted for eggs, though I don't remember doing so. I remember finding Easter baskets overflowing with candy and toys. I remember immediately eating as much candy as I could, especially jelly beans. Then, I remember being put into my Easter dress, always yellow, always picky, and hustled off to church.

Much to my grandparents' chagrin, we never got there early enough for us all to sit inside. They were somehow put out by all this Easter Bunny nonsense as they never let my dad believe in such things. They would typically squeeze inside while we were relegated to the bleachers outside listening to the service on the loudspeakers.

First, April in Las Vegas is hot. Second, the Easter service was not all that kid friendly at St. Francis de Sales in the 70's, but whatever draw it might have had was lost through the loud speakers. Third, my dress was picky and yellow. And fourth, my stomach was full of jelly beans and not much else. What's a girl to do?

Puke. Pretty much every single year.

And every year someone, usually my dad, would drive me home partway through the service in my grandparents' sparkling clean sedan, which I usually barfed all over. He took off the barfed on clothes and put me to bed. I'm assuming he left me alone while he went back to pick them up, but I was usually too miserable to care.

Why did they let me eat so much candy? Why didn't we bring an umbrella for shade, or sip water? Why didn't I have a slip or camisole to go under that picky dress? And why was it always yellow? I have no answer to these questions. That is just how my memory works.

This year, I had to rely on the Jewish Easter Bunny to do everything as I was done in last night. Thanks to Heather's peppermint extract I only vomited once and felt considerably better last night, but certainly not up to "hoppin' around the house."

Karissa got up early, made a first past through to get the lay of the land, and then blessedly went in her room and read until 7 am. The girls had found most of the eggs and both their baskets by the time I managed to haul myself out of bed, but I caught the tail end.

Then, in our multicultural life, Karissa had to get ready for Hebrew School. Angie picked her up as she has been the last many Sundays, as it is on her way to hike Mt. Pigsah. After Hebrew School and choir practice, Angie picks her up and they eat and have an adventure. Today they saw a bald eagle on its nest. It is nice to know that Karissa gets to have fun experiences beyond watching mom lie on the couch.

I even had a little nap.

Karina is having Easter dinner with her boyfriend's family, so there was a lot of outfit choosing. I slept thought quite a bit of this. Kelly got to have lots of fun:)

I felt considerably better for much of the day. I actually got outside! I walked around and looked at what is growing in our yard and admired Eileen's handiwork. I even walked to the corner and back. Well, yes I was wearing my Yellow Submarine pajama bottoms, but at this point in my life, looks are WAY down my list of concerns. Of course the corner is maybe 100 yards each way. I didn't even do it in an eight to five step. But I did it.

I also did some crochet work and watered some house plants. It is amazing how much you can do when you don't feel like complete crud.

Everything isn't sunshine and roses as I still don't feel fabulous, particularly at night. I also have mouth sores from the chemo I need to try and heal up. Dawn and Serafina both say ice chips but that's hard when you can't control stuff in your mouth or swallow. I've been trying rinsing with ice water. Also baking soda water. Also cold water marshmallow extract. And Magic Mouthwash.

Funny thing about Magic Mouthwash. It is also known as triple mix, and probably other things. It is usually just benadryl, mylanta, and lidocaine. All of these things are very cheap. Two I could buy off the shelf, and a bottle of straight lidocaine is about $5 by prescription. You used to have to go to the compounding pharmacy to have it made and it was fairly inexpensive, maybe $20 tops. Now some drug company makes it in a box. $80 copay. Yes, for ingredients that cost, retail, maybe $15. Nice.

I have spent years trying to learn not to be so negative. It was deeply ingrained that my first response would be no, that won't work. I could actually feel myself picking apart discussions, suggestions, and recommendations for why they won't work. Now, when I reach out to people for help, I find myself being negative, unfortunately with reason.

I'm not exactly in factory condition anymore. Feeding tube. Can't smell. Can't swallow. Trach tube. Chemo on board. Oh, and the port, lets not forget that. So suggestions, such as the ice chips, really won't easily work for me. Or smelling mint for the nausea. Or so many other great ideas. I feel like a house of cards, that if one gets pulled, everything will fall. Sadly, it isn't too far from the truth.

I do find it interesting that people don't want to bother me with their problems, because I have "enough else to worry about." Well, what good will worrying do? It won't change anything, at least certainly not for the better. Hearing about your problems, your adventures, your stresses, your joys, gives me something to think about besides feeling yucky. Besides what I can't do. Besides what ifs.

And, in case you forgot, I am, by nature, a Yenta, so I want to be in everyone's business.

Another curiosity is the fact that some people feel guilty enjoying life when I am miserable. Why? Should we all be miserable? If you sit around and feel crappy, will that somehow make me feel better. No. We never know what is next for us, so try the things you want to try, do the things you want to do and enjoy!

I am hoping for continued improvement in my stomach and mouth. I have to go to Portland for a trach check on Tuesday. Four hours in the car for a half hour appointment. And why do we always end up getting out right at rush hour???

I have Mia and Karen this week and no chemo, so hopefully that will allow for a vast improvement in my physical well being.

Thanks to the magic of electronics, you can always touch base with me. Email. Text message. Blog comment. Facebook post. If there is something you want to say, or ask, feel free. If there is something I can do for you that involves electronic media that I can so sitting on the couch, ask away.

Thankful for Rebeca and the kids sharing their cool egg dying experiences with Karisssa yesterday and bringing over special treats this morning. Thankful for all the friends on the Google calendar coming by to help this week. Thankful for all the friends wishing me well. Thankful for a shower tonight:)

Until tomorrow, with love,
Kiara