Here I am

Well, here I am. It has been an interesting and boring 24 hours.

As usual, my pain tolerance exceeded common sense, so we waited a bit too long to come up for a trach. Dr. A looked very worried yesterday, as did Brickman, as did the anesthesiologist. The original plan was local with mild sedation. No. I had a "tiny" airway, apparently. I had to be awake for the first bit, and I can assure you the shoving up my nose of a very large piece of tubing was less than pleasant. It brings a real meaning to "Up your nose with a rubber hose" to those of you old enough to remember that.

The word on the street is that this was one of the most difficult trachs they have ever done. I would to stop being special any time now. The trach collar was tight last night as they were taking no chances, but by this morning it was slicing into my neck due to swelling. This is one of those times having no feeling in your neck is a very good thing. Unfortunately, since the strangling trach collar was cutting off the last escape route for swelling, my face is huge. They also have been giving me fluids, which is good, but also contributes to the swelling.

They started trying to get someone to change out the trach collar at 7 this morning. There were ENT sightings all day, but no one came to get it done. My nurse, Jason, was paging frequently, offered to do it himself, and by the end of shift was pacing the floor like he was tracking a wild animal. I would not have been surprised to see him with a tazer, digging a pit trap.

Finally at 7pm the senior resident came in to do it. She apologized that it had been a crazy day. She also admitted that others further down the chain were supposed to come do it but chickened out. Okay. It felt really good to get that off.

The other ongoing adventure today has been food. The fact that I don't eat formula caused some problems. We brought the blender, but we did not bring food. We assumed we could order off the menu, but you can't do that until a nutrition order goes in. At 11 am, when I pointed out I had had no food or water since 10 pm MONDAY, Jason brought me a Boost and mixed it with my Tylenol. Finally the dietician was able to figure this out and someone put a food order in. I can have anything on the pureed menu. It is interesting because they puree it, then shape it back into what it is supposed to look like. The peaches looked amazing. I am sure there is some study that says people will eat more. Since I'm just going to glop mine together in milk anyway, it seems like a waste of time, but I appreciate the artistry.

I challenge anyone to tell me those mashed potatoes were pureed, as even 50/50 with milk they would not go through the tube. Carrots were good. Chicken soup was excellent. Chicken and gravy was good. Peas were a bit crusty, but that is probably my fault for leaving them for last.

No word when we will get out. I'm hoping for tomorrow, but we'll see. The trach cuff is still inflated. I will keep my #6 at least a week as my airway was very collapsed. I'm fine with that. I like breathing.  Apparently I was so exhausted from so many days without sleep they couldn't wake me up in recovery.  Duh.

Some familiar faces on staff, which helps. Really hoping that this does it. That the chemo and radiation get rid of the cancer for good, without too much other damage. I have been focusing on late January, when I felt so good, almost normal. This new "new" normal will be different than that one. No one knows if I will ever speak again. This will sound strange, but talking isn't everything.  Yes, it makes some things harder. I miss somethings a lot. I would miss my loved ones more.

Joel and I and our families are planning a summer meet up. Hopefully we will be both celebrating cancer-free. Cancer sucks, a word you know I don't use lightly, but it has brought some amazing people to my life.

Healing. Keeping my head up. Loving life, friends and family.

Until tomorrow...