The Grand Portland Adventure, and other crap

Yesterday was my monthly check up in Portland.  We had a smooth trip up, even arriving early enough to stop off in the bathroom beforehand.  For us, that is unusual.

With my boots on, I was close enough to last month's weight that no one said anything.  I may have to start putting rocks in my pockets.

Dr. A answered all of my feeding tube questions.  He checked my ear that has been aching.  No fluid.  He looked at the back corner of the flongue that has been hurting.  It has a red ulcerated area back there.  We should biopsy that.

Wait, what?

Yes, biopsy.  Better safe than sorry.  Ugh.

He listened to my lungs. They sound gunky, especially down at the bottom.  Could be pneumonia.  Get a chest x-ray on the way out.  Ugh.

We decided it would be better to see Rachel (SLP) before he took a chunk out of my mouth. Swallowing did not go well.  She did not discourage me from continuing to try.  However, she did say that it may not come and if at any point I feel like it is just too hard, I should not feel like a failure for giving up.  Some people can do it and some people can't and each person has little control over if they can or can't.

The silver lining, I guess, is that she says I speak better already than 99% of people who have a total glossectomy.  I should be thrilled by that.  I guess I am, except is still doesn't sound all that great to me.  It should continue to get better, as well.  Not tons better, but better.

Dr. A came back in and numbed me.  I hate needles.  I really hate needles. And jabbing a big needle into an already painful ulceration was bad.

Once numb, it went quick.  And it didn't hurt because, duh, it was numb.

We stopped off in imagining and I got a chest x-ray.  He should call with the results today.  Wednesdays are surgery days, so I am not sure when he will call.  Biopsy results will take 3-4 days.  He was fairly confident it was nothing, especially after he cut the piece off.  Let's hope.

It was raining pretty heavily on the way home.  Unfortunately there was a semi accident on the I-5, which means one big parking lot.  I kept dozing off and then waking up when my head would slide this way or that. Bless Kelly for always being able to focus on the road.

We got home after almost four hours.  A long day already.  Too bad there is still a refrigerator full of rotten food to clean out. And days worth of laundry.  And loads of dishes.

I hate throwing out food.  I hate it.  It wasn't too terrible this time as there wasn't very much in the fridge. Somethings we unearthed from the back should have been thrown out long ago, so there is some comfort in that.  You never know what a slob you really are until you get everything out of the fridge and see how grungy it is.  Just sad.

So here I am today.  Tired and achy. Wanting nothing more than to alternate between the bathtub and bed. Facing piles.  Needing a grocery store run. Needing to put dinner in the crock pot. Worrying about the biopsy and the chest x-ray.  In a holding pattern in life.  Again.

My Dad is on his way to UCLA today for a second opinion and possible treatment of his cancer.

So many friends dealing with their own dramas.  I wish it could stop being about me for awhile.

Hoping for the best, planning for the worst regarding the news from the doctor.  In reality, trying not to think about it at all.

Right now, I need a laugh.