The first mistake

Maybe my first mistake yesterday was not getting up and getting dressed. Maybe it was laying around too much. Maybe it was spending too much time inside my own head.

It could be reading the second Penderwicks book was not my best choice. Not only was it more predictable than the first one, and a bit less charming, when you find yourself identifying with the deceased mother, no good can come of it.

Perhaps the shuffling from the bed to the couch to the overstuffed chair does not qualify as exercise.

Saturday wasn't all that pretty.

Karina and Kelly took care of several pressing matters. Karissa went to ballet and then had a wonderful afternoon adventure with Angie.  I sat.

I sat and read, sat and brooded, sat and contemplated.  Sitting = swelling.  It is not pretty today.

So other than reading a book that wasn't that great, I didn't accomplish anything yesterday.  While I recognize the need to grieve, I really shouldn't spend so much time on it.  It serves no good purpose.

I can't cry as that makes my face unbearably painful.  Sitting and moping makes my face swell.  Swell.

If you had asked me during the day yesterday about the bronchitis, I would have said it was better.  If you asked me right now, I would say no problem.  If you'd asked me last night...

Up all night. Again. Got up and inhaled steamy essential oils. Got up and sat in the steamed up bathroom. Got up and rinsed my mouth out.  After a short time asleep, I can NOT breathe. I am gasping and panicking. This morning I had Kelly bring the nebulizer in.  All of these work fine for a short amount of time, as long as I don't do anything silly like sleep.  How long can you go without sleeping?

Despite no sleep and yesterday's woes, today seems a better day.  I managed to get at least half dressed. I've been doing laundry. I've eaten twice already, despite the PET restrictions.  Really trying to focus on one day at a time.  Sometimes one hour at a time.

Pondering what the scans will show.  What the treatment options will be.  What about chemo? I've never had any, but many oral cancer patients do have it and it seems to be effective.  I can have more radiation, but that has nasty side effects, too. How is my heart holding up to all of this?  It was severely tachy when I was in the hospital, running right around 120 for almost my whole stay.  That can't be great. It won't thank me for sitting on my ass, though, either.

Flowers arrived from a dear, dear friend.  She is recruiting people to drink and swear on my behalf, and hers.  Someone has to let the frustration out.

I am back to repeating my mantra. Stretching. Moving.  Acting like a living person again.  Trying to revel in the small things like watching Cinderella (the ballet, not the Disney movie) with Karissa last night.  She will watch ballet endlessly, entranced.

I am trying to make sure all the do-overs for the do-over birthday party are done. I didn't plan on having such a big distraction between the first planned party and this one.

I am sorting some things out on the periphery, but mostly I am trying to move carefully forward towards the revised future.  Trying to embrace some changes as opportunities rather than disappointments.  Giving myself permission to live instead of giving that power to test results and doctors.

I don't know if March will come in like a lamb or a lion, but I hope it comes in with some good news.  I could use the luck of the Irish about now.

Until tomorrow...