We had to see the sun

The fog continues in Eugene, and now they are saying it won't lift before Thursday.  Gloomy weather doesn't generally get to me, but two straight weeks fogged in is a bit much, even for me.  Beth was here yesterday and said as soon as you get out of Eugene, you get out of the fog, so out of the fog we went.

We weren't to Mapleton before we saw the glorious blue sky and sun, sun, SUN.  We continued on into Florence where it was not only gloriously sunny, but a beautiful, windless 57 degrees.  We haven't cracked 40 in Eugene in days.  I wanted to lay on a rock like a lizard.

We are creatures of habit.  We go to Florence, walk around and look through the shops in old Florence, eat at Mo's, wander up and down the pier, look in a few more shops, have ice cream and head home.  This was our first trip since my "alterations."

The sun was glorious and walking on the pier was nice.  We started cruising the shops, but it seemed stupid. First, there is no sun inside the shops.  Second, if we are purging our house of unwanted stuff, why are we spending time walking around looking at stuff we neither need, nor want. Third, going in shops make the children want stuff.  Karina has largely outgrown this as she knows we will often tell her to use her own money.  Karissa, on the other hand, is in her prime.  As each shop passes without a purchase, she becomes more desperate to get something, anything.  This causes the whining and begging to escalate.

So if you aren't walking around shopping, that leaves eating at Mo's. I couldn't.  It isn't that I'm embarrassed. It's that if I'm going in Mo's, I want clam chowder. I do not want whatever I brought with me, even if it is something really good.  It just sets the whole emotional it's not fair roller coaster in motion.  However, my family loves eating at Mo's.  In they went with my blessing, while I sat on a bench at the pier and had the stuff I brought from home.  It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't clam chowder and it wasn't together.  There are lots of memories tied to eating at Mo's and I feel as if something was taken from me.

Karissa wants to go to the beach. Kelly does not want to go to the beach. He loathes the beach.  Karina is happy to be together but she is not really dressed for hanging out at the beach.  I tried to strike the compromise.  We went to the Darlingtonia Wayside. As we have never stopped, I had somehow assumed it would take more time.  Interesting, but not going to knock the beach off her mind.  We stopped another spot, not really beach access and now it is late afternoon.  Too late to be hiking or poking around much.

Of course it is wrong to bribe your children with food to distract them, but that is what we do.  We stopped and Karissa got ice cream.  I suspect Kelly and Karina did not because they feel guilty.  I don't want ice cream.  Besides, it wasn't soft serve.  But they have cannolis.  I love cannolis.  Again, a food with strong memories attached.  And the slide down the emotional slope continues.

There are plenty of things we could have done today that have nothing to do with food.  We could have hiked, or walked, or taken toys and a picnic to the beach and been together.  I know Kelly would not enjoy it.  I know it would not be Karina's first choice.  Karissa would be thrilled.  Someone has to be unhappy no matter what.  I hate that.

While the weather and the sun and the blue sky were glorious, I was not glorious.  Of course there are solutions, just not ones that make everyone happy.  And once you start sliding down the emotional slope, you get to will I ever... again?  I have tried to separate the eating from the activities, but that is not how it has ever been in my life.  What you eat, where you eat, was always the most important part of any trip my entire life.  We even have the unwritten rule that the first night of any vacation is Mexican food, even though I've been unable to eat that for a lot longer than three months.

Yes, this is my emotional baggage to sort through.

In other news, we finished the first season of Downton Abbey. No, you cannot stream it on Netflix. No, you cannot watch it on PBS. No, my hold hasn't come up at the library yet.  I do have a gift card to Barnes and Nobel as well as a coupon. It may well come to that.

The feeding tube, which had just been oozy and mildly irritated for several weeks decided to bust out with a big bleeding this morning.  Expecting my usual goop I went to wipe it up and nearly passed out.  Kelly had to clean it up as it was more blood than I could handle.  Ugh. It doesn't hurt at least.

I am thankful for the nice visit and walk with Beth yesterday. I am thankful for the custom-made "spit" clothes from Barbara-- they are stuck in every pocket and purse. I am thankful for all of you who have taken on the job of reminding me to practice swallowing, to exercise, to hang in there. I'm thankful that Serafina warned me that each day would NOT be better than the last, that instead recovery and acceptance would go in fits and starts.  Today was more fits than starts.

Until tomorrow...