Define Selfish

What does it mean to be selfish?  Does it mean taking more than your fair share?  Taking the last of something? Doing less than you are capable of doing?

It is that last question that always trips me up.  How much is one person capable of doing? How much are they responsible for doing? When is it okay to say enough is enough?

I find myself pondering this because I am obviously in the process of reconstructing my life with the parts I now have to work with.  I've always had an issue with time constraints, responsibility budgeting, and how much is enough.

In college I had this elaborate color-coded schedule I used to figure out how I would work two jobs, go to school full time, march in the band, be in two extra groups, and have clean underwear once in awhile. Everything fit perfectly, even practicing an hour a day.  Not that I ever did that, mind you.  What I left off my schedule was the details, such as transportation time, relaxing, eating and sleeping. Oh, and studying.  In theory, I could have done everything on my schedule if I didn't eat or sleep and if I teleported everywhere. I'm guessing you know how that worked out.

I continued in this vein, though.  When I was pregnant with Karina, I substituted every day.  I had a long term in kindergarten for the month up to my due date.  In addition, I worked part time at the day care on weekends and went to graduate school.  Full time.  Karina was born on a Monday (after 42 weeks of gestation...) and I was back in class the following Monday.

Would I have taken time to enjoy my pregnancy had I known it would be the only successful one I'd ever have?  It was pretty carefree-- no morning sickness, swelling, or Braxon-Hicks.  I never took a nap, sat and put my feet up, or reveled in my pregnancy in any way.  Even delivery was quick- eleven hours from the first twinge to the last push, with a whopping five minutes of hard labor and one big push.  No, I don't get invited to many baby showers, why do you ask?

There were so many experiences in college I missed out on.  People will say, "Do you remember when we...?" No, I was at work.  There were opportunities in grad school I had to pass on because I was too busy.  But why was I always so busy?

I always feel obligated to solve the problem, fill the need.  If something needed to be done and someone else wasn't doing it, I would.  For the most part, I have enjoyed that role.  Poor choices in spouse the first time around made life more challenging than it had to be, but I was up for that challenge.

So here I find myself approaching age 46.  I am optimistically thinking starting the second half of my life. Don't criticize my fantasy. What do I want to do with it?  Do I want to keep doing Alumni Band even though I can no longer play?  Would I continue to do it if there was someone else who was willing to take it over, or do I continue to do it because I'm afraid someone else won't?

I've waded back into the gift shop.  I enjoy it, but it is so nice to have Lesley to make some of the decisions. I don't feel like it is all win or lose based on the choices I make.

I haven't done much for PTO this year, despite the fact that I am supposed to be the Panda Parent.  I have a hard time with being 'sort of' helpful.'  I don't want to spend thirty hours a week doing PTO stuff, but I'm not very good at hanging out on the fringes, either.

Stand for Children is an amazing group and I feel like I can really help make some positive changes in education.  How much do I want to commit?

This doesn't figure in subbing, which may or may not work out in the future, or the earning the requisite credits to keep my license active.  I doesn't figure in the other groups out there that interest me, such as the Sierra Club, or various local causes. There is always someone that needs help.

It also doesn't figure in therapy, exercising, practicing swallowing, yard work, house work, parenting, spending time with my husband, travel, etc.  It is easy to see how I got to the land of "I can do it if I never eat-sleep-travel."  How do you extricate yourself?  Where do you draw the line?  What do you draw the line with?  What exactly is a line?

I am acutely aware that I am somebody, as in "Somebody should do something about that..." I need to find the balance between helping others and helping myself.  That has never been my strong suit.

So, all of you with perfectly balanced lives, please advise.

On the home front, the new bed is delivered and set up.  The optimistic delivery men thought they would bring in the new one first.  I guess they don't see too many master bedrooms the size of ours (13' x 10'). It will be nice to wake up and not have my hips aching in the morning.

The ancient cat's blood work came back good, ruling out hyperthyroid, kidney failure and diabetes.  They suspect UTI and would like a urine sample.  Good luck on that.  If I leave my bedroom door open for five seconds, I could wring out the dog bed and get one.  Other than that, they will be needing to collect one. She doesn't go for the little plastic pellets in her litter box and locking her in the laundry room.  She might need meds.  Oh joy.  Giving pills to a cat who hates all of us except the one who doesn't live here.

There was treadmill action night before last, but not yesterday.  I was hoping for a little peep of sun today like we got yesterday so I could go out and spread some leaves.  Barring that I'll have to deny myself the next episode of Downton Abbey until I get on the treadmill at least.

No swallowing yet today, so I should get to that.  I also need to make my lunch and get ready for Karissa's arrival-- Wednesdays are early dismissal days .  And the tapestries,and the draperies...

Until tomorrow...