Twelve Step Programs

I have some experience with twelve step programs.  Although I am not now, nor have I ever been an alcoholic, I have been to several AA meetings.  I understand the concepts.  I really understand "one day at a time;" now better than ever before.

It is much easier to say, "I will only intake food through my tube today" than to think about maybe never taking food by mouth again.

It is much easier to think, "My speech is unintelligible today" than to think that this is the best it will ever be.

I don't know what the future holds, so getting upset about it is not a good plan.  Unfortunately, somethings do require planning and action.

I have herbs to take.  I have a lymph brush.  I have physical therapy exercises.  I have regular exercising.  I have swallowing to practice.  These are things I should be doing daily.  Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't.

If I decided I was okay with never taking in food orally again, I wouldn't need to practice swallowing.  There is also the possibility that no matter how much I practice, it may not work quite right.  How much am I willing to try knowing it may not succeed?

I have to exercise in order to keep my heart healthy and stave off another big surgery as long as possible.  I don't have the strength or the neck stability for anything more strenuous than walking.  If I don't walk, my stamina will never improve and my heart will deteriorate.  It is much easier to decide not to walk today when you are living by the one day at a time mantra.  Unfortunately, there are long term ramifications to this one.

I wanted to get out of the house and go somewhere today.  Anywhere.  I've watched more movies and read more books in the the last few weeks than I have in the last several years.  But where to go?

I can't hike, bike, climb, or even walk for very long/far.  That limits the sight seeing to what you can see from the car, which isn't all that fun for a kid.  Food destinations are not very enjoyable for me, as you might imagine.  Most car games involve talking and understanding me in the car can be dicey.

We finally opted for a lap around the Territorial Highway.  Karissa was a good sport about it, although multiple play throughs of the Dora Christmas CD seemed to help.  We wandered a bit of downtown Cottage Grove, visiting one of my favorite places, the Book Mine. They sell books AND plants.  Finally, we had to eat.  We went to The Pink House.  I had tea and was discreet with the syringe.  There was nothing on the menu that would work for me, but I had food in the car.  I probably could have brought it in, but I still haven't mastered syringing without still getting quite a bit of drip on myself.  Since my lunch of choice was a somewhat unattractive green color (beans and avocado), I opted to wait and eat in the car.

Nothing they were eating smelled so wonderful that I was dying to eat it.  Really only the French fries spoke to me.  They didn't smell irresistible, but I remember fries. Still it was okay-ish.  But if you aren't eating, you should be talking.  I am having a "wet" day, which means my mouth is so wet that when I try to speak I often drool all over first.  That does not entice me to speak.

We went to Territorial Seeds after lunch, another of my favorite places.  I restrained myself as I'm not sure what I have in my seed bag already, and I only have so much room.  Not that that ever stopped me from planting too much before.

We came home the more direct route.  I was, honestly, a little mopey.  And tired.  You know, the less you do, the less you feel like doing?  It's true.

We played a couple of games with Karissa, including the Monster High Share or Scare game.  Not the worst game I have ever played (Clue Jr. wins that award), but probably in the top five.  Jenga was better, although Karissa is some kind of Jenga savant, so you'd better be resigned to losing when you play with her.

I need to channel my moping into something more productive.  Walking on the treadmill would be a start. There are plenty of things that need doing, so I should start doing them.  Again, the one day at a time gets me in trouble.  I'm just not doing those things TODAY.  As if a procrastinator like me needs an excuse.

Here's hoping for a more focused, productive, constructive tomorrow, complete with less moping.