I know I should be filled with moral outrage. I know that there are some awful things going on in the world. We are trashing the environment, destroying the safety net for the poor, underfunding education, and losing trust in one another. And yet today I cannot bring myself to get involved.
It isn't that I'm not opposed, concerned, or upset. It isn't that I haven't written ten editorials in my head on any given topic. It isn't that I don't care.
I am too wrapped up in my own problems to get involved.
There. I said it. No, it doesn't make me feel better.
Today was one of those days where the emotion factors got out of control. After eight years you think I would remember to bring snacks for Karissa everywhere I go, yet with the added complications of my own, I don't. When she is hungry, she is cranky and complaining, which makes everyone else short tempered, even though she has a perfectly good reason to be. Also, I keep deluding myself into thinking that there will be food out there for me. It will present itself. No, it won't. If I don't bring something for myself, I end up going a long time without eating. That does not make me a better person, either. Today's lunch of last resort was steamed milk with a shot of hazelnut from the Starbucks. Not ideal, but enough calories to keep me on my feet.
We went dropped Karissa off at ballet and Kelly and I walked down to the library. We got a few things and browsed the second-hand book shop where we got a steal and got to listen to the hilarious conversation of the ladies working there. Things seemed to be going smoothly.
After ballet, we headed to the Springfield holiday parade. We aren't all that familiar with Springfield and we've never been to this parade, so we had a bit of a time finding a good place to park. As I said before, I didn't bring Karissa anything to eat, so she is calorie deficient, and so is everyone else. Everyone is on edge.
The parade was nice and Karissa not only got piles of candy, but also a book and some stuffed animals. I'm not really sure who thought tossing stuffed animals from a truck into the muddy street was a good idea. Probably the same person who doesn't recognize that candy canes don't really survive being tossed on asphalt. Everyone (but me) had candy to revive them for a bit. After the parade I had to trek into Jerry's to use the restroom. That was enough time for the sugar to wear off and the whining to start. I should have just bought her a burrito right there, but of course I wasn't that smart. We ended up stopping at Mucho Gusto. Kelly and Karissa went in and ate and then brought the milk out to me. It doesn't bother me too much to sit and watch them eat, but it makes other people uncomfortable.
We made a run through Shopko where I once again discovered that as soon as I open my mouth, people look at me. I'm not good with being the center of attention unless I am purposely asking for it. Thankfully Karissa doesn't seem to notice the staring. I don't know that it would bother her if she did. But, honestly, it bothers me. But what are my other options? Hide at home or don't speak out loud. Neither of those will work very well.
I am trying very hard to find joyful activities for us this season. It is difficult because much of the traditional fun is not fun for me, i.e. baking cookies or singing carols. I do try to be a good sport about it. I promise I do, but sometimes it is difficult.
Our wonderful neighbors had an extra ticket for Narnia tonight and offered to take Karissa. She was over the moon and it gave Kelly and I a little time to talk and grieve together. Grieve the life we don't have anymore. In reality, we could still do all the things we used to do, I would just have to watch. I guess that doesn't sound that fun. So many of our holiday traditions are about food and drink. While I can put the food in the blender, I'm not sure what would happen if I put Amaretto in the tube. Instant drunk would be my guess. Probably not a good experiment for Christmas Eve.
Unless you look closely, you cannot tell there is anything "wrong" with me. However, there is no wig or prosthetic that will camouflage my speaking voice or hide my inability to eat by mouth. It is confronting me all day everyday. I haven't been really emotional about it too much, but there are times and today there were a few of them.
Monday with be two months since surgery. If I was being objective, I have come a very long way in two months. I would recognize that if I can make these kinds of gains in the months going forward, much is possible. I am trying to keep optimistic about the possibilities while still accepting the current realities. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.
I guess pretending like nothing ever happened isn't going to work either. Dang! Other ideas???
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3 comments:
First, I would try the Amaeretto, why not?
Second, make business cards on your home computer. Have some that say, "I can't speak, but I can hear you. Stop shouting.", "I can't talk and I am not stupid, don't speak slowly to me using little words unless that is the best you can do." etc. Have some fun with them.
I hate to say, go back to the diaper bag, but there are some lovely ones out there that do not have pink elephants on them and it would allow you to carry, food and syringes with you, not to mention the apron or change of clothing. Go into restaurants, while you can't eat, you have every right to be with your family. Dinner time is important, if you are eating at the table, is not. None of the studies I have ever read, that touted the importance of dinner time with the family, ever made reference to if or how the food was to be taken in.
If you make up extra food and put it into a ziplock freezer bag, then freeze it, you can pop that into your "not pink elephant" bag and when you get to the restaurant that Kelly and Karissa are eating at, ask for a bowl of hot water, pop the plastic bag of pre made food and let it warm up a bit. It doesn't have to get hot, just the right consistency and of course what ever else you would like to drink along with it. Enjoy your family. Enjoy yourself. Don't worry so much about the rest of the world.
Make up some business cards that explain why you need the bowl of hot water. Don't bother trying to talk to wait staff, they have the listening skills of a teenager and will choose to not understand you. Make sure you put the little disabled sign on it. Vanity aside, they will recognize this international symbol and not give you grief about eating outside food in their restaurant.
Once you have your talking device, this will be your moment, because once Kelly and Karissa start eating you can start typing up all the things you want to say and there will be nothing they can do about it. :)
Love ya!
For gym and ballet and TT, I had the girls make lists of appropriate snacks and they could then choose (protein, carb...) and pack. We had designated water bottles and ice packs and bags. Maybe Karissa could be empowered with her weekly/daily job to get ready for her activities. She could make little containers of that week's snacks for each day, an activity for her to weigh or count. Run through a checklist before you leave. There are some cute containers at Ross and such. Santa, are you listening?
I'm always forgetting those little things that you think would be second nature after this many years of parenting, too. Oh, I should have brought snacks/extra clothes/water/whatever. I'll probably have it all together right about the time Pearl leaves home.
We had fun with Karissa last night.... so glad she could join us! Poppy loves playing with her and we're more than happy to have her come over.
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