Saturday Evening Post

An emotional roller coaster Saturday today, but that shouldn't be a surprise to anyone.  It was a relatively restful night once I finally fell asleep after midnight.  Warmth is the key, though. Flannel sheets, duvet, and a heat up, with a heavy wool blanket on my side of the bed makes it quite cozy.

We had a laid back morning with no where to be.  Karissa watched TV and played with friends.  Karina and I ran a quick errand.  Before we knew it, it was time to get ready for the memorial service.

I knew it would be hard.  There is no happy spin on this.  We walked in and there were cards to fill out with a special memory of Aimee and the guest book.  There was a basket for donations to HALO.  All okay. But just inside the door there are almost poster sized pictures of Aimee.  The one of her in her wedding dress almost made me hyperventilate.  So beautiful.  So sad.

There was an amazing slide show and Aimee's uncle did a beautiful job with the service.  There were several songs.  You realize you live in a small town when one of the singers turns out to be one of Karina's high school English teachers.  So many people spoke and said so many moving things.  The fiancee.  The siblings. The friends.  Lori. Stan.  I don't know how Lori and Stan did it.  Not only did they hold it together, they told us such things about Aimee as to make her even more dear, even more real.  Lori's last words, "I love you. Drive safe."  Stan talked about how happy Aimee always was.  He said the Medical Examiner said her death was instantaneous.  Stan called the semi driver who hit her to tell him they understood it was not his fault. The driver told him she never even looked at him.  Stan said, "That is good.  That means she got to be happy even the very last second of her life."  I want to be happy right up until the very last second of my life.

Lori had a special section right in the front for the riding students.  Karissa was reluctant to go up there at first, but the lure of other little girls won out.  They got some special attention at the end of the service, being allowed to ask any questions they had about Aimee and her death to the pastor.  They were also each given pictures of Aimee.  When they sang the final hymn, I was very thankful Barbara could be my voice for me as even if I could sing, I don't think I could have.

Last night to the synagogue for Hanukkah and saying Kaddish for Aimee, today to a gut wrenching memorial service.  We know how to entertain an out of town friend.  Throw in laundry folding and a washing wine glasses and you can see why people just keep coming back for more...

The traditional latkes and brisket that were slated for tonight were put on hold as the service was longer than we expected and I, frankly, was not up for potato shredding.  Kelly ordered pizza.  Well that it fraught with its own emotions.  There are somethings you just want to pick up and put in your mouth and pizza is one of them.  I could not be a good sport.  I had my leftovers in the kitchen and hid out while they ate.  Ironically, the discussion on the adult tube feeding page tonight was about blending pizza.  The recommendation was to thin with vegetable broth and to avoid too much crust.  There are left overs, perhaps tomorrow that will be my lunch.  Someone else said to blend the salad right in with it for a healthier meal, but appearances have to be some part of it.  Salad in one measuring cup, pizza in the other.

We played Dixit with Karissa and after dessert sent her to bed.  We then were free to play the wildly inappropriate Cards Against Humanity.  So wrong, but so funny.  I still need a guest reader, though, especially by late evening after an afternoon of crying.

On the healing front, still no luck with swallowing.  The speech path recommended I practice in the shower. It didn't work that well as my neck is still swollen enough that putting my head back is difficult.  Also, I am so paranoid about aspirating fluids that it kind of freaks me out to practice with no witnesses.  Having someone in the shower to watch me just leads to a whole lot of jokes inappropriate for this blog, so I won't go there. The spitting is really really old though.  I guess I should be thankful for the radiation dry mouth or I'd be spending even more time spitting.

Oh, and in adventures with the feeding tube, I had an "incident" today.  I've been trying to figure out various places to stick the feeding tube so it doesn't hang straight down.  One, that isn't very comfortable and two, it looks rather, well, phallic, for lack of a better word.  Today I stuck the end (the Lopez valve) in my jeans pocket.  I must have twisted a certain way getting out of the jeep at the store as the valve opened and for some unknown reason, the clamp was also open.  Now I have pocket full of oatmeal and it is running down my pant leg and onto my shoe.  Wiping the solid stuff off helped, but I still had to go into the store looking like I had peed on myself, and not just a drip.  Sigh.

Hoping for a good night's sleep so I am refreshed for our adventure to the holiday market.  Hoping also get that brisket made and latkes too.  I'm not sure fried food is worth blending up, though.  Isn't fried all about the texture?  Maybe I'll just stick with the pizza, ooooo, or Pad Thai from the holiday market thinned with peanut sauce.  That I could be a good sport about.